As the days shorten, and we come closer and closer to the holidays (not just Christmas, but New Years too) I begin to think about the past (I mean WAY back!)
For a couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about what certain things mean to me – you know: like your favorite t-shirt, your first car, etc: items that you treasure but your not quite sure why.
Well I thought (at least after my last long entry) that I could use a slightly shorter, slightly lighter toned one, so since I’ve been thinking about it recently I decided to just see what everything means to me.
And as you’ll see – the three items in the title are important.
The first broken door is that that to a friends old apartment: one that was smashed by a fireman’s axe. Why? Because his apartment had caught fire suddenly in the middle of the night.
You may think that this doesn’t have a whole lot to do with me (besides the fact that I was there to help him out ) but since I’ve seen the particular door several times since the fire this spring it reminds me of something very important – everything you own and value can be GONE, in a few seconds.
Makes me think a lot about how much emphasis I put on my stuff – you know, I always [i] must [/i] have the best of everything and the fact it could all be gone, “poof” in the blink of an eye…well you just never know do you? I’m looking around my room now, and I don’t know what I’d do – it’s a little scary, check that – a lot scary.
It’s made me think if I had to go through the experience, what would I save, what would be most important to me – and I think I’d have to say my photos, I take pictures of everything, my pictures tell the story of my life, and so to me that’s the important thing – just remembering everything.
So in the future I will remember to, well remember that things have meaning not only to me, but to those around me as well. So I will try to be sensitive to that fact, but also – I will try to remember that things are just that, things – they can’t replace memories.
The next thing is my Eagle Scout Medal: This has been to date – the greatest accomplishment in my life, more so than graduating high school, getting my driver’s license, or working at the state house. It is most significant because it is something I earned, something that cannot be taken from me.
Why’s this important? Well, because it shows first that I’m not a complete and total screw up, it’s not an easy accomplishment (only 2% of boys who enter the scouts earn the award, and past presidents, CEO’s, army generals and astronauts are the company I keep.) But more importantly – it shows me, that I can do something if I put my mind to it, if I work at it, and if I put the effort forward.
At a time when few people are willing to go the extra mile, when most look for the easy way out of work or ways to make things easier for themselves – it shows me that there is value to hard work, to seeing a job through to the end. As I grow older, this will always play an important roll in reminding me (especially as a nurse) that hard work is never undervalued, and there is no greater reward than being able to say you gave something your all.
The next item – which I’m actually holding – is my Stethoscope: Now that may get some laughs from some of you, because it’s not exactly the most common instrument or even that important of one, but to me it represents my future. It represents, healing, helping and serving. It represents a calling to put the well being of others in front of my, and instead of think about my own pains – think about those around me who are suffering.
A stethoscope can tell a nurse so many things: are you breathing correctly? What about your hear? Do you have any blockages? Etc, etc. It’s value is – priceless, especially to me. While I could do my job (sort of) and function without it, with it I am able to reach new levels of care – and frankly would not be able to do “my best” without it.
But it’s representation for me is more than that. Like I said it represents my future, and could very well represent my complete future (which sometimes, is a terrifying thought.) As I’ve stated in the past: I’m going into nursing to care for people, not check books, but in doing that I am thinking of myself last, which includes a social life, “fun time” my own relaxation (and sanity sometimes) in favor of another’s.
And, as I look into my future, this is the only profession in which I think I could be ok with that aspect – be ok being just “me,” alone, forever - because I know it represents the very best that not only humanity – but I myself have to offer.
OK, now I need to bring up a “happier” item: the Yellow Hankie: which I bet has been seriously bugging some of you as to what on earth it could mean. This, well – this is the pass interference flag thrown during the 2002 National Title game between Ohio State and Miami (Fl) which prevented the end of the Buckeyes drive in overtime and ultimately resulted in them winning the National Title!
What could this possible represent for me?? Hope! One of the most powerful emotions a human being can experience. To me it shows that every “darkest hour” has a dawn and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (ok enough clichés.) And yes it sounds tacky to compare a football game to those things – but for me, it’s something that gives me hope for when I have really bad days.
I don’t think it’s a cowinsidence that the only item on my list is the one I don’t own, because by representing hope – something that comes from inside of you, and only you can make for yourself – it represents everything I must remember. Because it’s a scary new world I’m getting ready to head to – a looming depression, senseless attacks on innocents, rising crime rates and environmental catastrophes – and frankly, it scares the crap out of me!
But I take solace in that little yellow hankie, because it means (to me at least) that there is always reason to be hopeful, because you never know when something important will happen and you will be called to act – especially if it involves an obvious pass interference against the Buckeyes!
But on the serious note – my future is uncertain, but I have hope that everything will work out as it should, and maybe – just may I’m destined to be happy, and not be lonely (we’ll just have to see!)
I’m looking back and seeing that that might not have been quite as upbeat as I thought, guess that’s just how my thought work. But, onward and upward, tally-ho, and what not. After all, the list my press on, for I have promises to keep and many words to write before I sleep!
That brief paragraph actually ties into my next item my Robert Frost Book of Poems: Yes Yes I know – I’m not exactly the most “poetic” person in the world, or even the one that can appreciate “the fine complexity of poetry” – no but I do love poems that reach in and talk to my soul. But that actual has no bearing on why I value this possession.
That small book of poems actually represents the finer parts of not only literature, but life. In it, one of the greatest poets of all time discusses many things and takes joy in life, making it possible for all of us to do so as well, he brings laughter to somber subjects, wonder to the simple, and meaning to the meaningless – but I’m digressing.
To me, Frost’s work represents all that is good in humanity, and all that I should appreciate – ignoring another cliché “- stop and smell the roses,” remember to never let life get you down so much that you forget to look at the simple things, because that’s what life is – many simple things put together that may appear complex at a first glance, but apon further study – are very easy to understand.
So – as I grow, age, and move through my future, I will remember to never lose sight of the bigger picture, and more importantly to slow down and take pleasure in some of the simple things in life, because God knows, the days ahead, their going to be crazy.
Ok, time for another “fun” connection, the first Stuffed Bear: And yes, before you check my profile out, I am 21 years old, and talking about a stuffed animal. This one in fact was one I’d have since I was born, it was my version of a security blanket it was…drum roll please….a small Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed bear.
I’ll let that sink in for a couple seconds, before I go on…
Shock worn off? Good, ok now the obvious question – what possible connection can a stuffed bear from a children’s story book have anything to do with me now, and more importantly with my future???
How about to never stop being a child – not in an immature way – but in that a child is always learning, always laughing and always having fun. Society could learn a great deal from it’s children, whether it be how to solve differences (hugs are always a good solution) or how to make sure there’s enough (do we not teach our children to share what they have with everyone?)
So yes, this stuffed bear meant a lot to me, but mostly it signified that while I would have to grow up some day – I could always still be a kid at heart and in fact that there was nothing wrong with just wanting to have fun, and furthermore laughter was a great way to make others feel better.
So, as I grow – I will never forget to take a minute to giggle, snort, snicker or just plain out laugh, because to be honest, life has too many serious points in it anyway. Sometimes I just need to remember that children have the right idea, just try to have some fun!
Alright, wow…I think I figured out why I don’t write as many posts as I could…nobody would read them they are so long. Don’t worry, slowly, but surly were making it through the list (see and you though I was just making stuff up as I go – no…I have a list…somewhere, “wink”)
Next item –which actually has two meenings – is another interesting one, this one started with me in High School and through the first year I was in college. It’s my Shoulder Brace: It’s actually something that went around my mid section and strapped my arm to my chest so that I wouldn’t be moving it all over and messing up my shoulders after surgery.
What pray tell could this have to do with anything? Honestly I didn’t know at first, because it did have a significance for me, I just couldn’t think of what, but thin I thought about it: and it’s important because it show’s I’m not perfect.
You’re probably going….”HuH?” I know I know, it seems like a bit of a stretch, but in reality it’s not. You see I’ve had not one, but both shoulders replaced and the reason behind them is because my joints are very loose from a huge growth spurt I had the summer I turned 12 (actually growing 12 inches in the span of four months.) So because of these physical problems, I am reminded that I’m not perfect.
See? I’m not crazy after all. But how does the brace come in then? Well it shows that while I’m not perfect, with help (from people, things, or even situations) and can strive to become just alittle bit closer to perfect.
The other reminder it has is that I am what I am today because of what others did for me. It’s very humbling having to rely on others for basic necessities like changing, eating or showering! Especially after you’ve turned 18 and you have no ability to do half the things you want. I hate having to rely on others, but for over a year, I was at the mercy of others, so it was a great reminder to me that I have what I have because those around me made sacrifices to help me get there.
So it reminds me as I journey into my future that I am not perfect, and to never act like I am – to always remember that I am where I am today because others were there so I could stand on their shoulders, and could give me a boost when I needed it. So I will remember to thank others, be humble – and think less of myself and more of others!
Ok, were getting close to the end, I know these things have got to be seeming boring – but this next one won’t be…in fact…it might be a little shocking.
For along time I saw this particular item on a daily basis, and it was a daily reminder of what troubled me most – fear! But as you’ll see – later it became a hidden strength. The item is the second Broken Door: this one had a hole in it – from what, I will not say – but I will say it is the one time in my life I have ever truly been scared. This is truly meaningful, because few things scare me so much that I don’t know what to do.
The event that was associated with this item happened when I was younger, but not young. It wasn’t an eye opening moment, or an epiphany – it was just an event that froze me with fear, and to which I reacted the only way I knew how, trying to draw attention away from it, and on to me – why? I shall never know.
But, what does fear have to do with me? Well actually I’ll direct your attention back to an earlier post Franklin D. Roosevelt Was A Liar that will give you a list of all the things I fear, but actually is only part of the significance. The main significance is that fear can strike at any time – and in fact has only one cure, action. Because even though there’s a lot to be fearful out there, simple, and often small actions can not only vanquish fear, but instill courage.
I finally became sick of being afraid, sick of being scared, and sick of fear in general. Now this door had a new perpose, it was what began to feed my need for courage, to feed my want to become more powerful than my fear. As crazy at it sounds, seeing this reminder daily gave me a calm feeling, because it gave me pause and a chance to contemplate what I would do in a situation that caused me fear, and I began to know I would be able to handle it – and I believe to this day, that I would have the courage to stare fear – wherever it came from – in the eye, and force it to blink.
So, as I go into a future filled with not only my own personal fears, but also those of the world around me, I know that there will be a time when I need to harness my fear and take courage and do what is necessary to “fight” the cause of that. Because I believe that not once, but many times I will be confronted by things that scare me, but I believe now, that I have the courage to face them.
So what happened to that broken door you might ask? Well one day, after seeing it for what felt like the millionth time, I realized I had the power of it, I had a way of conquering that fear – so I destroyed it, and then used the pieces to make a fire on a cold winter night!
There are so many other things that have special meaning to me – but I’ve just realized that this post is longer than the last one (as you can see I failed to reach my goal), so I would like to trouble you with just one last thing that has significance to me, and I’ve saved it for last for a reason.
I debated with myself on what I was going to write about this one, the second Stuffed Bear. This bear was actually a gift to me, from someone who at one time meant the world too me, and who I would have done anything for them. So originally this bear was going to represent “love” because it was given to me as a gift of love, but in fact now that I’ve been writing this article and actually thinking about it – I don’t believe that’s what it represents – at least not anymore. The relationship around which the bear was given ended, unfortunately very badly, but in spite of that, for a while the bear still stood for “love” at least a form of love that was still there.
But now, as I grow, and mature – I realize that the bear doesn’t represent that, not because love was never there (for at least one moment it was), but instead because it represents something almost more important. It represents a connection to the first item I talked about. And that’s that the things I hold most dear may the very next day have no value to me.
That relationship was a learning experience, it had good times and bad ones – and only now 9 months later can I look back and see the fool I had been (even more so than 3 months ago,) but this bear shows me…well two things: hold on to something that means a lot to you, fight for it, make sure you give it your all – kinda like the country song that talks about loving even if your going to be hurt, because if your not willing to fight for what you believe in, well – then maybe that something wasn’t worth anything to you in the first place!
And the second is to know, when to let things go – know when you’ve grown past them, or they’ve moved on – you will be sad, yes, but it will help you reach peace faster and in actuality be happier faster.
So what can I possible take from this bear to remember as I look forward into my future? To never stop trying, never stop loving, never stop giving, never stop being me! But also, to always remember – that this life is a gift, so make sure you don’t dwell on what is sad or upsetting, or depressing – if it doesn’t work out, move one – remember the good times, and move on.
Wow…3,180 words later, I think I finished this post, you never would have thought it was going to end did you? Well, at least this one wasn’t all down and horrible. I know I’ve got a (hopefully) long future in front of me, and yes it’s going to have bright spots, and dark clouds, but I think if I remember these things, and I get reminders daily from some of them – I’ll be able to smile, grin and bear it through the dark days, and the good ones.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Lead By Example...Or Get The Hell Out Of The Way
A few simple words – yet so few are able to heed them. Maybe that’s why the world is screwed up beyond belief. Few are willing to do the jobs they ask others to do, but they are willing to punish those who don’t do what they say – that’s the definition of a coward.
Always makes me wonder how many fewer soldiers we would have lost if a general or a president had decided to actually lead a battle instead of sitting in a command center, granted: it is equally possible that the reverse is true – more may have been lost as well.
However that’s not what my thoughts are centered on tonight. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own “leadership” ability. Recently I’ve been stepping into or “overstepping” boundaries that I never would have thought to before. I’ve also been forced into several situations, that are new to me.
Part of this, I would believe has to do with maturing, and my growing ability to take on more tasks than I would have previously thought possible.
I learned about “leadership” from two places, one my parents, who from the time when I was little, made sure that I was atleast being a good example for my little brother, one that he would “hopefully” try to emulate. To this day – my greatest failure has been this, but I will discuss that later on in this entry.
The other place was the Boy Scouts. Who instilled the “lead by example” and helped define my leadership abilities, and turn me into the man I am today. Above all the scouts told me that if I was unwilling to do a job that I asked another to do – then I wasn’t fit to lead because it meant I still valued myself above those I was leading, which is unacceptable.
So when I was slightly older, (say between the ages of 13 and 18) I saw in my Boy Scout troop, that nothing was being done – the people elected often were elected simply because they were “friends” with the most people, and then they would simply do nothing. To them it was fun to instead talk about things I felt boring while people eventually just got fed up and stopped coming
So I started to make small waves…
I ran for Patrol Leader, and won – it was close, but it was still a win, I helped my patrol to win several awards, and aided in turning our group from the one people laughed at to the one people came to ask for help.
Next I ran for Senior Patrol Leader (the person in charge of running the meetings and campouts, etc.) And lost – badly, of the four people running I was the only one to get fewer than five votes. But I was given an assistant role with the guy who won, and so I began to go out of my way to ensure than if there was a problem I could lend a hand.
I helped teach younger scouts knots, and first aid, pitch tents and make fires. I settled fights, and mediated problems, I also confronted older scouts who picked on younger ones (remember at this time I’m still only 13, about 5 foot 11 and 130 pounds getting in the face of guys who were 17 and 18 and who played Varsity football and out wayed me by close by 60 pounds at least.)
I was starting to get some “clout.” Both with those younger than me and those older scouts who had begun to begrudgingly give me nods and handshakes once in a while.
That summer I was given the responsibility to be in charge of the troop on a week long summer camp. And after acting like a 13 year old on the first day (whining that it was hard) – I began a new phase:
…Suck It Up
I learned real fast that when your “the leader” you don’t always have someone there to protect you. And even more importantly, just because you ask someone to do something (or tell them) doesn’t mean they are going to do it.
Over that week – I had to start doing the dirty jobs (cleaning toilets, KP duty, night patrol) and by the third day, after the scouts (both older and younger than myself) saw that I was willing to help with the jobs I assigned, they began to do them without questioning (most of the time.)
The end of the week came, and I was told by several older scouts and a few of the adults I had done a fine job.
While I was encouraged by this, it was of little consultation when I lost the next 5 elections. They were always closer, but it was always to someone “cooler” or more popular. So each time I would revert back to being the guy willing to get his hands dirty when other’s don’t.
I showed up to meeting early, got information from everybody, asked questions, listened to gripes, went to almost every campout over then next 3 years.
Then I tapped a resource that was always ignored: the “uncool kids.”
Granted I was by no way popular but I did have a nitch of friends, and had the ability that I could talk with anybody – even if I wasn’t in inner circles. But I began to encourage the kids people made fun of to come, to do stuff, to contribute. I made a special effort to include them (and actually found some pretty good friends in them.) I became a semi-leader of the “dorks.”
Then things began to change. Two SPL’s in particular didn’t seem to care about the troop, both boys from my patrol – both elected over myself. They were elected back to back, and the troop went from close to 60 members to at times single digits.
They had both been elected on high promises and the fact that they were both very popular with everyone (they had the laid back air the older scouts liked, and the “connections” the younger scouts wanted.)
So, when either of these guys slacked off, or just didn’t bother to show, I stepped in. Numerous times I had to lead meetings that I had little knowledge about, but it was that or everyone went home – which could have meant the end of the Troop.
After about 8 months of this, I talked to one of the guys - “Chuck” – and told him I didn’t think he was doing an adequate job and that I thought he needed to do more since he was in charge. His response was: “Shut the fuck up, fagot.” The last 4 months of his term were used to not only make my life hell, but to bolster someone to run against me so that again I would be kept from being elected.
One more person was elected, a young man who had a wide variety of issues (including several fights he’d gotten into with me) as well as some emotional problems. He also had a negative effect on the troop.
Then on the 7th time I ran for it, I was elected SPL. I then had six months to do what I thought would be best for the troop. Once again, I lead by example, and brought membership from 9 to 39 active scouts over the six months. There was also an abundance of merit badges earned, I led several interesting camping trips, and the troop won several important awards at a camporee involving several hundred scouts.
But now that I’ve brought you reasonably close to the present day, and bored you to tears with part of my life story – I can explain the reason for this post. As I said earlier I’ve been thinking a lot about my “leadership abilities.”
Since graduating high school – I’ve had a habit of sticking my oar in to “assist” with lots of projects, many of which I wasn’t asked, I just did it on my own – and here for the first time ever I will admit as to why: I hate seeing people do things wrong when I know I can do them better.
My freshman year in college – I joined a ton of organizations on campus, and then by the end of it I was down to seven (partly because I didn’t like some but others because I couldn’t stand how they were being run.) Of those seven I’ve been the president or chair of 5 since that time.
I have rarely preformed a “hostile” takeover, and I’ve always tried to work the system before doing anything: I would see severe holes in leadership – and first I would offer help to the person in charge, and if that was refused I’d step aside, and then run at the appropriate time (all the while making sure I was doing everything that a leader would do.) And in a few very rare occurrences pushed forward a vote of no confidence, or challenged that what the person was in charge was doing was not for the benefit of the group.
But, here’s the catch – the vast majority of times I’ve done this – has been a positive success. Membership rises, awards are won, meetings are more productive, or just in general people have more fun. Yes there have been a couple of situations where I didn’t improve the group – but I’ve also been willing to step down if I can’t accomplish what needs to be done.
Further more, when I’m elected, I surround myself with the best “lieutenants” for lack of a better word. Much like the president elect is assembling a “Super Cabinet” I would perform the same task – delegation became an important task – and I’d only be willing to delegate to those who I trusted would get the work done. I would ask others who had had a prominent role before to stay on as assistants, I would access all resources available – make sure that everyone had a part to play – and ensure that all felt useful.
That actually plays a lot into my feelings as well – I’m not the most trusting person in the world, especially when it comes to leading an organization that I invest in (whether it be time, money or talent) because I hate having my investments wasted – it really really pisses me off, so if I entrust someone with something – it’s because I believe they have the ability to do it – and (not to be tooting my own horn) rarely am I wrong. I am also willing to through my support behind those who I’ve put my trust in so that when they are asking for something, running for an office, I know they will do a good job.
However, I am willing to listen to whatever you have to say – whatever suggestion, criticism/critiques or complements you have. Everyone is equal in my eyes – no matter your situation, person, job etc. All members of an organization from the president to the member that comes once a year are equal in importance. Which is why I give equal time to those who want to grip, as well as to those who just want to chat: give a few positive suggestions, etc.
This ability comes from my empathy, for some reason – I’ve got it. I’ve got the ability to make anybody feel welcome, to become part of the team, and to do a fair share of work (granted there have been acceptations), punishment has not been a tool of mine, but instead a smile, pat on the back and an ear earn not only more cooperation and respect, but results in the job being finished much quicker.
Empathy helps me with another aspect of leadership – making hard decisions. Like I’ve said above I won’t ask someone to do something if I haven’t done it before, or if I’m not willing to do it myself – but I will ask you to do things you don’t want to do, aren’t glamorous, or downright suck. Why? Because someone always gets the crappy duty, will you ever get it an unfair amount of time with me? No…in fact I’ll select myself over anyone else to do the shit patrol but that doesn’t mean there won’t be times when I have to ask you to do something that sucks.
Where does empathy come into this? Well it enables me to reach people, so that those who would be more upset about doing something they don’t wanna do. If you believe that the person who is assigning you this lousy job is doing it not because he doesn’t like you – but instead because he’s trying to make everything run smoothly and achieve a common goal quickest you are much more likely to do your part.
The only time’s I’ve ever “grabbed the rains of leadership” ties everything together. If you ask me to do something – you’d better have done it before, or be willing to do it with me. As I said at the beginning a leader who delegates but doesn’t lead by example is a coward. If I see you putting yourself first over the group – or the general membership, I get pretty pissed off.
Spock said it best when he said “The needs of the many out way the needs of the few or the one.” People are elected to be in charge, but not to be dictators – hence why they are elected.
These instances are when I’ve most displayed leadership (to give a tacky example, during games of capture the flag, paintball, etc. I was usually the first one out because I’d be sent into traps, etc. I finally got sick of it – so I would lead my own teams, and often again was the first one out but this time it was because I went with the team, and I’d take fire so that an objective could be achieved, I wouldn’t sacrifice my own team mates so I would be safe.
A good leader also knows when to give his team a rest, let them goof around, blow off some steam, or just chill. I always hated the guys who “brandished their whips” and didn’t allow breaks till the job was done. If a job/assignment/anything is taking longer than it should, I will be the first to offer anybody 5 minutes, 10 minutes etc. To just chill out, and take a break – because you can’t get anything done if your so worked up about how far you are behind, or how long it’s been since you could pee.
My final point is one of the most important ones – I do not seek to lead because I seek power. Leadership and power do not mix. If you want to lead because you want to make people bend to your will, then you have no business being anywhere near these people. When I was younger I believed that I should be in charge because I knew better and because I could make people do what I wanted, now I know that was wrong (consequently: it was during this time that I couldn’t win an election for bunny king if I wanted too!)
Now I know, that it’s not about can you instill fear, use an iron fist, or bend the membership to your will; it’s about can you lead and get those to follow, can you cause belief in a issue, can you find a solution to a problem – and not destroy the rights of those around you?
After this final point I must also make the point that I am not perfect – even though I strive to be. I have a giant hole when it comes to leading by example, and that comes into play in the most important aspect of leadership – being a role model for my brother.
For 4 years I put my feelings, thoughts, wishes, etc before his because I had a girlfriend, who as you all know – wasn’t worth what I went through – but whom I put not only my family through hell but my little brother as well. I without a doubt made him feel as though he was worthless to me, because that’s how I acted, I displayed no leadership ability at all, I simply wanted to do what made ME happy and I didn’t “care” about him. Pretty shitty huh?
This has been my single greatest failing – you only get one chance to do this and I screwed up, pretty badly. Now for 4 years of shit it will take me many times that to solve the issues and mistakes I had. But I will fix them, this I assure.
So – there you have it, I lead by example and I lead effectively. These leadership skills have been instilled in me when I was a child, and honed when I was a teen: as an good leader I’m always adapting and always willing to do my part – and even step aside if someone is a better person – which, for the record I have done.
I’m willing to get my hands dirty to do the job I ask you to do. I’m not afraid of making the hard decision and then backing it up, but I’m also not afraid of taking on the shit shift, and giving everybody a break. The point is, when I say I lead by example – I do. And while I gladly except criticism, and will even be open to being called names, yelled at, etc – I do ask that you listen to me when you’ve finished your rant, as I explain why I’ve done what I’ve done. And if I find out I’ve been treating someone unfairly, I rectify it…immediately.
Have I stepped on toes? Pissed people off? Made Enemies? You bet, not nearly as many as I’ve befriended, helped or encouraged, but yes there are always those who want to keep power and never let go. Something I always make clear – I’m not in it for the power, I’m in it for the betterment of the group, and when my term is over – I’ll gladly hand over the rains so that others can have a chance to show what they’ve got!
So…Lead By Example. Or get behind someone who will!
For The record: These are the organizations I’ve been Chair or President of in the past 4 years:
Organization Position Term
Alpha Delta Omega Service Org. President Fall 2005 – Fall 2010
Eagle Scouts of USC President Fall 2005 – Fall 2008
Gamecock Gamer Association Chair Fall 2005 – Fall 2006
He-Men of Catholicism Chair Fall 2007 – Fall 2010
Black Delta (Paintball Assault Team) Commander Fall 2006 – Fall 2010
Always makes me wonder how many fewer soldiers we would have lost if a general or a president had decided to actually lead a battle instead of sitting in a command center, granted: it is equally possible that the reverse is true – more may have been lost as well.
However that’s not what my thoughts are centered on tonight. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own “leadership” ability. Recently I’ve been stepping into or “overstepping” boundaries that I never would have thought to before. I’ve also been forced into several situations, that are new to me.
Part of this, I would believe has to do with maturing, and my growing ability to take on more tasks than I would have previously thought possible.
I learned about “leadership” from two places, one my parents, who from the time when I was little, made sure that I was atleast being a good example for my little brother, one that he would “hopefully” try to emulate. To this day – my greatest failure has been this, but I will discuss that later on in this entry.
The other place was the Boy Scouts. Who instilled the “lead by example” and helped define my leadership abilities, and turn me into the man I am today. Above all the scouts told me that if I was unwilling to do a job that I asked another to do – then I wasn’t fit to lead because it meant I still valued myself above those I was leading, which is unacceptable.
So when I was slightly older, (say between the ages of 13 and 18) I saw in my Boy Scout troop, that nothing was being done – the people elected often were elected simply because they were “friends” with the most people, and then they would simply do nothing. To them it was fun to instead talk about things I felt boring while people eventually just got fed up and stopped coming
So I started to make small waves…
I ran for Patrol Leader, and won – it was close, but it was still a win, I helped my patrol to win several awards, and aided in turning our group from the one people laughed at to the one people came to ask for help.
Next I ran for Senior Patrol Leader (the person in charge of running the meetings and campouts, etc.) And lost – badly, of the four people running I was the only one to get fewer than five votes. But I was given an assistant role with the guy who won, and so I began to go out of my way to ensure than if there was a problem I could lend a hand.
I helped teach younger scouts knots, and first aid, pitch tents and make fires. I settled fights, and mediated problems, I also confronted older scouts who picked on younger ones (remember at this time I’m still only 13, about 5 foot 11 and 130 pounds getting in the face of guys who were 17 and 18 and who played Varsity football and out wayed me by close by 60 pounds at least.)
I was starting to get some “clout.” Both with those younger than me and those older scouts who had begun to begrudgingly give me nods and handshakes once in a while.
That summer I was given the responsibility to be in charge of the troop on a week long summer camp. And after acting like a 13 year old on the first day (whining that it was hard) – I began a new phase:
…Suck It Up
I learned real fast that when your “the leader” you don’t always have someone there to protect you. And even more importantly, just because you ask someone to do something (or tell them) doesn’t mean they are going to do it.
Over that week – I had to start doing the dirty jobs (cleaning toilets, KP duty, night patrol) and by the third day, after the scouts (both older and younger than myself) saw that I was willing to help with the jobs I assigned, they began to do them without questioning (most of the time.)
The end of the week came, and I was told by several older scouts and a few of the adults I had done a fine job.
While I was encouraged by this, it was of little consultation when I lost the next 5 elections. They were always closer, but it was always to someone “cooler” or more popular. So each time I would revert back to being the guy willing to get his hands dirty when other’s don’t.
I showed up to meeting early, got information from everybody, asked questions, listened to gripes, went to almost every campout over then next 3 years.
Then I tapped a resource that was always ignored: the “uncool kids.”
Granted I was by no way popular but I did have a nitch of friends, and had the ability that I could talk with anybody – even if I wasn’t in inner circles. But I began to encourage the kids people made fun of to come, to do stuff, to contribute. I made a special effort to include them (and actually found some pretty good friends in them.) I became a semi-leader of the “dorks.”
Then things began to change. Two SPL’s in particular didn’t seem to care about the troop, both boys from my patrol – both elected over myself. They were elected back to back, and the troop went from close to 60 members to at times single digits.
They had both been elected on high promises and the fact that they were both very popular with everyone (they had the laid back air the older scouts liked, and the “connections” the younger scouts wanted.)
So, when either of these guys slacked off, or just didn’t bother to show, I stepped in. Numerous times I had to lead meetings that I had little knowledge about, but it was that or everyone went home – which could have meant the end of the Troop.
After about 8 months of this, I talked to one of the guys - “Chuck” – and told him I didn’t think he was doing an adequate job and that I thought he needed to do more since he was in charge. His response was: “Shut the fuck up, fagot.” The last 4 months of his term were used to not only make my life hell, but to bolster someone to run against me so that again I would be kept from being elected.
One more person was elected, a young man who had a wide variety of issues (including several fights he’d gotten into with me) as well as some emotional problems. He also had a negative effect on the troop.
Then on the 7th time I ran for it, I was elected SPL. I then had six months to do what I thought would be best for the troop. Once again, I lead by example, and brought membership from 9 to 39 active scouts over the six months. There was also an abundance of merit badges earned, I led several interesting camping trips, and the troop won several important awards at a camporee involving several hundred scouts.
But now that I’ve brought you reasonably close to the present day, and bored you to tears with part of my life story – I can explain the reason for this post. As I said earlier I’ve been thinking a lot about my “leadership abilities.”
Since graduating high school – I’ve had a habit of sticking my oar in to “assist” with lots of projects, many of which I wasn’t asked, I just did it on my own – and here for the first time ever I will admit as to why: I hate seeing people do things wrong when I know I can do them better.
My freshman year in college – I joined a ton of organizations on campus, and then by the end of it I was down to seven (partly because I didn’t like some but others because I couldn’t stand how they were being run.) Of those seven I’ve been the president or chair of 5 since that time.
I have rarely preformed a “hostile” takeover, and I’ve always tried to work the system before doing anything: I would see severe holes in leadership – and first I would offer help to the person in charge, and if that was refused I’d step aside, and then run at the appropriate time (all the while making sure I was doing everything that a leader would do.) And in a few very rare occurrences pushed forward a vote of no confidence, or challenged that what the person was in charge was doing was not for the benefit of the group.
But, here’s the catch – the vast majority of times I’ve done this – has been a positive success. Membership rises, awards are won, meetings are more productive, or just in general people have more fun. Yes there have been a couple of situations where I didn’t improve the group – but I’ve also been willing to step down if I can’t accomplish what needs to be done.
Further more, when I’m elected, I surround myself with the best “lieutenants” for lack of a better word. Much like the president elect is assembling a “Super Cabinet” I would perform the same task – delegation became an important task – and I’d only be willing to delegate to those who I trusted would get the work done. I would ask others who had had a prominent role before to stay on as assistants, I would access all resources available – make sure that everyone had a part to play – and ensure that all felt useful.
That actually plays a lot into my feelings as well – I’m not the most trusting person in the world, especially when it comes to leading an organization that I invest in (whether it be time, money or talent) because I hate having my investments wasted – it really really pisses me off, so if I entrust someone with something – it’s because I believe they have the ability to do it – and (not to be tooting my own horn) rarely am I wrong. I am also willing to through my support behind those who I’ve put my trust in so that when they are asking for something, running for an office, I know they will do a good job.
However, I am willing to listen to whatever you have to say – whatever suggestion, criticism/critiques or complements you have. Everyone is equal in my eyes – no matter your situation, person, job etc. All members of an organization from the president to the member that comes once a year are equal in importance. Which is why I give equal time to those who want to grip, as well as to those who just want to chat: give a few positive suggestions, etc.
This ability comes from my empathy, for some reason – I’ve got it. I’ve got the ability to make anybody feel welcome, to become part of the team, and to do a fair share of work (granted there have been acceptations), punishment has not been a tool of mine, but instead a smile, pat on the back and an ear earn not only more cooperation and respect, but results in the job being finished much quicker.
Empathy helps me with another aspect of leadership – making hard decisions. Like I’ve said above I won’t ask someone to do something if I haven’t done it before, or if I’m not willing to do it myself – but I will ask you to do things you don’t want to do, aren’t glamorous, or downright suck. Why? Because someone always gets the crappy duty, will you ever get it an unfair amount of time with me? No…in fact I’ll select myself over anyone else to do the shit patrol but that doesn’t mean there won’t be times when I have to ask you to do something that sucks.
Where does empathy come into this? Well it enables me to reach people, so that those who would be more upset about doing something they don’t wanna do. If you believe that the person who is assigning you this lousy job is doing it not because he doesn’t like you – but instead because he’s trying to make everything run smoothly and achieve a common goal quickest you are much more likely to do your part.
The only time’s I’ve ever “grabbed the rains of leadership” ties everything together. If you ask me to do something – you’d better have done it before, or be willing to do it with me. As I said at the beginning a leader who delegates but doesn’t lead by example is a coward. If I see you putting yourself first over the group – or the general membership, I get pretty pissed off.
Spock said it best when he said “The needs of the many out way the needs of the few or the one.” People are elected to be in charge, but not to be dictators – hence why they are elected.
These instances are when I’ve most displayed leadership (to give a tacky example, during games of capture the flag, paintball, etc. I was usually the first one out because I’d be sent into traps, etc. I finally got sick of it – so I would lead my own teams, and often again was the first one out but this time it was because I went with the team, and I’d take fire so that an objective could be achieved, I wouldn’t sacrifice my own team mates so I would be safe.
A good leader also knows when to give his team a rest, let them goof around, blow off some steam, or just chill. I always hated the guys who “brandished their whips” and didn’t allow breaks till the job was done. If a job/assignment/anything is taking longer than it should, I will be the first to offer anybody 5 minutes, 10 minutes etc. To just chill out, and take a break – because you can’t get anything done if your so worked up about how far you are behind, or how long it’s been since you could pee.
My final point is one of the most important ones – I do not seek to lead because I seek power. Leadership and power do not mix. If you want to lead because you want to make people bend to your will, then you have no business being anywhere near these people. When I was younger I believed that I should be in charge because I knew better and because I could make people do what I wanted, now I know that was wrong (consequently: it was during this time that I couldn’t win an election for bunny king if I wanted too!)
Now I know, that it’s not about can you instill fear, use an iron fist, or bend the membership to your will; it’s about can you lead and get those to follow, can you cause belief in a issue, can you find a solution to a problem – and not destroy the rights of those around you?
After this final point I must also make the point that I am not perfect – even though I strive to be. I have a giant hole when it comes to leading by example, and that comes into play in the most important aspect of leadership – being a role model for my brother.
For 4 years I put my feelings, thoughts, wishes, etc before his because I had a girlfriend, who as you all know – wasn’t worth what I went through – but whom I put not only my family through hell but my little brother as well. I without a doubt made him feel as though he was worthless to me, because that’s how I acted, I displayed no leadership ability at all, I simply wanted to do what made ME happy and I didn’t “care” about him. Pretty shitty huh?
This has been my single greatest failing – you only get one chance to do this and I screwed up, pretty badly. Now for 4 years of shit it will take me many times that to solve the issues and mistakes I had. But I will fix them, this I assure.
So – there you have it, I lead by example and I lead effectively. These leadership skills have been instilled in me when I was a child, and honed when I was a teen: as an good leader I’m always adapting and always willing to do my part – and even step aside if someone is a better person – which, for the record I have done.
I’m willing to get my hands dirty to do the job I ask you to do. I’m not afraid of making the hard decision and then backing it up, but I’m also not afraid of taking on the shit shift, and giving everybody a break. The point is, when I say I lead by example – I do. And while I gladly except criticism, and will even be open to being called names, yelled at, etc – I do ask that you listen to me when you’ve finished your rant, as I explain why I’ve done what I’ve done. And if I find out I’ve been treating someone unfairly, I rectify it…immediately.
Have I stepped on toes? Pissed people off? Made Enemies? You bet, not nearly as many as I’ve befriended, helped or encouraged, but yes there are always those who want to keep power and never let go. Something I always make clear – I’m not in it for the power, I’m in it for the betterment of the group, and when my term is over – I’ll gladly hand over the rains so that others can have a chance to show what they’ve got!
So…Lead By Example. Or get behind someone who will!
For The record: These are the organizations I’ve been Chair or President of in the past 4 years:
Organization Position Term
Alpha Delta Omega Service Org. President Fall 2005 – Fall 2010
Eagle Scouts of USC President Fall 2005 – Fall 2008
Gamecock Gamer Association Chair Fall 2005 – Fall 2006
He-Men of Catholicism Chair Fall 2007 – Fall 2010
Black Delta (Paintball Assault Team) Commander Fall 2006 – Fall 2010
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Welcome to The "Brave" New World
So...yesterday, we did it. For the first time ever too! In our nations 221 year history its never been done before! We...(drum roll please)....elected the most pro-choice president ever!
*What? You thought I was going to say "black" right? No, Bill Clinton was the first ever "black" president - and Lincoln before him!
Ok, joking aside. It is the first time in our nation's history that we have elected a candidate whom has said they would sign the FOCA (Freedom of Choice Act) into law. And this scares the sh** out of me.
Yes, yes - I did vote for the man. But I voted for him because he was the best candidate for our country. And by country I mean the poor and middle class, not the top 2% that make 500k to millions a year. His healthcare, welfare, retirement, and military goals, ideas, etc are far better than McCain's were, he just has that one HUGE problem that he is very adamantly pro-choice.
I can still breath alittle bit easier though because President Bush did do 1 thing right - he got John Roberts to be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Which started the wheels of change that will one day (and you heard it hear folks) bring down that abomination that is Roe v. Wade. Justice Edwards has the backbone to stand up to the Ultra Left /Pro-Choicers, and the lives of the unborn will once again be safe.
You will see this cry come from me again in the near future, but for now - we will get to my HOPES for whom Obama will pick as his Cabinet:
NOTE: most of these people don't have a stones throw in hell of getting the positions but that's why I give my rationells behind them.
Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton (Senator - New York) She's the best Candidate for the Job, and it sets her up perfectly to run again in 2016 and be the 45th president of the United States. She also has the political experience and clout to take our causes to Europe/Asia and the UN and help bring America back to a favorable country in the world.
Secretary of the Treasury: Warren Buffet (CEO - Berkshire Hathaway) His idea of investing - which made him one of the richest in the world - was to treat it like a game where the object was to get the most money, which he was pretty successful at, he is the absolute best candidate for the job and the person I would feel most secure with controlling my money.
Secretary of Defense: General Wesley Clark (Former NATO Commanding Officer) The general should have gotten the presidential nomination in 2004 (and would have had a better chance than Kerry at beating Bush,) but he was the commanding officer for NATO, knows how the world works (especially Russia - a very real threat) and is the best suited to defend our country from another Terrorist Attack, or World War III
Attorney General: Sarah Palin (Governor - Alaska) No, She's not a laywer but, she is the most staunch Pro-Life supporter in politics. Her policies on abortion are truely "maverick" and she is the one who is best in line to defend the rights of the unborn, and the elderly and the sick and the suffering. She would be able to stand against Obama and help to prevent the passing of the FOCA. This would also give her the national exposure, alow meeting of forign leaders and she would gain valuable experience to be able to run for President in 2016/2024.
Secretary of the Interior: Al Gore (Former Vice President / Nobel Prize Winner) Because I didn't have a better place to place him. No seriously, as a Nobel Prize Winner, Former Vice-President (and possible president from 2000) he has a wealth of experience, that would be very benificial to Obama's presidency. Also his stance on the environment would be very benificial to helping preserve our planet (and country.)
Secretary of Agriculture: Tom Daschle (Former Senator – South Dekota) A strong candidate with good environmental sence, and former Senate Minority Leader.
Secretary of Commerce: Mitt Romney (Former Governor - Massachusetts) Maybe one of the best "Former" candidates for President, Romney would have the best ideas and know how to right this economy's troubles, and help build jobs, bring work BACK from overseas, and make this country what it once was.
Secretary of Labor: William Clay Ford, Sr. (President - Ford Motor Co.) A contraversial choice yes, but a man who is willing to stick by his principles (Refusing to merge with Toyota) and who has a long connection to America's great past, has worked with union and non-union leaders alike and has gotten results. *Could maybe finally get the Lions a winning season as well!*
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Howard Dean (Former Governor - Vermont) A doctor, and Chairman of the convention, Dean knows what to do about health care. He would work with Obama to help set the country back on it's feet, getting health care to the poor, children, elderly, and the needy. It would be my hope that a physician of Dean's clout would be willing to aid in the "bandageing" of America and show that we can care for all 300+ million Americans and give them all health care!
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Bill Gates (Former CEO – Microsoft) The richest man in the world, the inventor of the modern PC (and unfortunatly Vista as well) would be perfect for heading the housing and urban development office, America's cities look old, tired, and are in desperate need of help, Gates could find new ways to energise the cities and to help set up affordable houseing (such as his affordable computers and software,) for the middle and lower class. He could also help get jobs flowing through out cities thus helping to boost the economy.
Secretary of Transportation: James McNerney (CEO – Boeing) Public transportation is severly lacking in this country - especially when compared to Europe. The most sucessful Airplane company in the world's CEO could help to revitalize the public transportation, by redezining the bussing system, subways, train system, and even helping to create a fleet of low cost airplanes that would alow people to fly around the country for cheaper.
Secretary of Energy: Jeffrey R. Immelt (CEO – General Electric) One of the oldest countries still at work in the US, GE is working to find new ways to power our homes/cars/businesses/iPods, etc. Immelt would lead the way in being a pioneer for finding new energy sources, and cleaning up the old ones. America can no longer rely on foreign oil, so Immelt and a team he sets up would lead us into a new age of clean/affordable energy.
Secretary of Education: E. Gordon Gee (President of The Ohio State University) The largest university in the United States's president is leading the way in makeing it one of the top teared colleges in the country (Public or Private,) who better to fix our countrys horrible problems with education. He would bring new energy into fixing "No Child Left Behind" and setting up our children so they are once again competable around the world. He would also be able to help our hurting college system to get not only their grades and number of students up, but inable more grants and money to flow through the schools - raising the possiblity of making college more affordable for everyone in the country.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: John McCain (Senator - Arizona) The former presidential candidate, and veteran knows what it is like to battle in forign soil, to come home after being away, to be captured, tortured, humilated, and forgotten. McCain would help right the problems in our veterans systems. He could help lead the way to getting them better health care, helping to fix the G.I. bill, working with the medical system to help get research to tackel PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Our veterans need more - they gave everything for their country, so why not have a man who will give everything advocate for them.
Secretary of Homeland Security: General Tommy Franks (Former General in charge of Iraq) General Franks did an amazing job in Iraq with the troops and limitations provided for him. A man of courage, who knows what to do when the sh** hits the fans, he would be a strong asset to maintaining our security at home. He would be able to revamp our National Guard so that we could do more with fewer troops, thus inabling more troops to be spread throughout the country.
US Ambassador to the UN: Bill Clinton (Former – President of the United States) The fomer President (and top 5 president of all time) would be a perfect match for the US Ambassador to the UN - his humanitarian work is world famous, he is well liked and well respected on the World State, also Clinton has learned from the mistakes of Rwanda and knows what must be done to prevent genoside from happening again. He would be able to swing Obama's vote to sending troops on peacekeeping missions. This would also set him up to be the next UN Secretary General.
Alright, that looks like the Cabinet filled, any criticizm would be fine, and greatly appreciated (words of encouragment are fine as well.) As our country heads into this new "Brave" world, I worry that many things will change - yet still hope those changes come.
I hope that our economy will bounce back, that we will be able to withdrawl our troops from Iraq, and concentrate on finding Osama bin Laden, I hope that congress will pass laws outlawing Embryonic Stem Cell research, the Death Penalty, and Rolling Stones Tours. I hope that we will gain a better tollerance of homosexuallity and understand that they are people just as well (and pass laws allowing Civil Unions!) I hope that our college education systems will grow, I hope that we will end hungar, crime, and many other things that plague our country. But most of all, I hope that we will end abortion once and for all - 50 million babies is alot of children. Too Many have died because of selfishness and greed, we must stop it now!
*What? You thought I was going to say "black" right? No, Bill Clinton was the first ever "black" president - and Lincoln before him!
Ok, joking aside. It is the first time in our nation's history that we have elected a candidate whom has said they would sign the FOCA (Freedom of Choice Act) into law. And this scares the sh** out of me.
Yes, yes - I did vote for the man. But I voted for him because he was the best candidate for our country. And by country I mean the poor and middle class, not the top 2% that make 500k to millions a year. His healthcare, welfare, retirement, and military goals, ideas, etc are far better than McCain's were, he just has that one HUGE problem that he is very adamantly pro-choice.
I can still breath alittle bit easier though because President Bush did do 1 thing right - he got John Roberts to be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Which started the wheels of change that will one day (and you heard it hear folks) bring down that abomination that is Roe v. Wade. Justice Edwards has the backbone to stand up to the Ultra Left /Pro-Choicers, and the lives of the unborn will once again be safe.
You will see this cry come from me again in the near future, but for now - we will get to my HOPES for whom Obama will pick as his Cabinet:
NOTE: most of these people don't have a stones throw in hell of getting the positions but that's why I give my rationells behind them.
Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton (Senator - New York) She's the best Candidate for the Job, and it sets her up perfectly to run again in 2016 and be the 45th president of the United States. She also has the political experience and clout to take our causes to Europe/Asia and the UN and help bring America back to a favorable country in the world.
Secretary of the Treasury: Warren Buffet (CEO - Berkshire Hathaway) His idea of investing - which made him one of the richest in the world - was to treat it like a game where the object was to get the most money, which he was pretty successful at, he is the absolute best candidate for the job and the person I would feel most secure with controlling my money.
Secretary of Defense: General Wesley Clark (Former NATO Commanding Officer) The general should have gotten the presidential nomination in 2004 (and would have had a better chance than Kerry at beating Bush,) but he was the commanding officer for NATO, knows how the world works (especially Russia - a very real threat) and is the best suited to defend our country from another Terrorist Attack, or World War III
Attorney General: Sarah Palin (Governor - Alaska) No, She's not a laywer but, she is the most staunch Pro-Life supporter in politics. Her policies on abortion are truely "maverick" and she is the one who is best in line to defend the rights of the unborn, and the elderly and the sick and the suffering. She would be able to stand against Obama and help to prevent the passing of the FOCA. This would also give her the national exposure, alow meeting of forign leaders and she would gain valuable experience to be able to run for President in 2016/2024.
Secretary of the Interior: Al Gore (Former Vice President / Nobel Prize Winner) Because I didn't have a better place to place him. No seriously, as a Nobel Prize Winner, Former Vice-President (and possible president from 2000) he has a wealth of experience, that would be very benificial to Obama's presidency. Also his stance on the environment would be very benificial to helping preserve our planet (and country.)
Secretary of Agriculture: Tom Daschle (Former Senator – South Dekota) A strong candidate with good environmental sence, and former Senate Minority Leader.
Secretary of Commerce: Mitt Romney (Former Governor - Massachusetts) Maybe one of the best "Former" candidates for President, Romney would have the best ideas and know how to right this economy's troubles, and help build jobs, bring work BACK from overseas, and make this country what it once was.
Secretary of Labor: William Clay Ford, Sr. (President - Ford Motor Co.) A contraversial choice yes, but a man who is willing to stick by his principles (Refusing to merge with Toyota) and who has a long connection to America's great past, has worked with union and non-union leaders alike and has gotten results. *Could maybe finally get the Lions a winning season as well!*
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Howard Dean (Former Governor - Vermont) A doctor, and Chairman of the convention, Dean knows what to do about health care. He would work with Obama to help set the country back on it's feet, getting health care to the poor, children, elderly, and the needy. It would be my hope that a physician of Dean's clout would be willing to aid in the "bandageing" of America and show that we can care for all 300+ million Americans and give them all health care!
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Bill Gates (Former CEO – Microsoft) The richest man in the world, the inventor of the modern PC (and unfortunatly Vista as well) would be perfect for heading the housing and urban development office, America's cities look old, tired, and are in desperate need of help, Gates could find new ways to energise the cities and to help set up affordable houseing (such as his affordable computers and software,) for the middle and lower class. He could also help get jobs flowing through out cities thus helping to boost the economy.
Secretary of Transportation: James McNerney (CEO – Boeing) Public transportation is severly lacking in this country - especially when compared to Europe. The most sucessful Airplane company in the world's CEO could help to revitalize the public transportation, by redezining the bussing system, subways, train system, and even helping to create a fleet of low cost airplanes that would alow people to fly around the country for cheaper.
Secretary of Energy: Jeffrey R. Immelt (CEO – General Electric) One of the oldest countries still at work in the US, GE is working to find new ways to power our homes/cars/businesses/iPods, etc. Immelt would lead the way in being a pioneer for finding new energy sources, and cleaning up the old ones. America can no longer rely on foreign oil, so Immelt and a team he sets up would lead us into a new age of clean/affordable energy.
Secretary of Education: E. Gordon Gee (President of The Ohio State University) The largest university in the United States's president is leading the way in makeing it one of the top teared colleges in the country (Public or Private,) who better to fix our countrys horrible problems with education. He would bring new energy into fixing "No Child Left Behind" and setting up our children so they are once again competable around the world. He would also be able to help our hurting college system to get not only their grades and number of students up, but inable more grants and money to flow through the schools - raising the possiblity of making college more affordable for everyone in the country.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: John McCain (Senator - Arizona) The former presidential candidate, and veteran knows what it is like to battle in forign soil, to come home after being away, to be captured, tortured, humilated, and forgotten. McCain would help right the problems in our veterans systems. He could help lead the way to getting them better health care, helping to fix the G.I. bill, working with the medical system to help get research to tackel PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Our veterans need more - they gave everything for their country, so why not have a man who will give everything advocate for them.
Secretary of Homeland Security: General Tommy Franks (Former General in charge of Iraq) General Franks did an amazing job in Iraq with the troops and limitations provided for him. A man of courage, who knows what to do when the sh** hits the fans, he would be a strong asset to maintaining our security at home. He would be able to revamp our National Guard so that we could do more with fewer troops, thus inabling more troops to be spread throughout the country.
US Ambassador to the UN: Bill Clinton (Former – President of the United States) The fomer President (and top 5 president of all time) would be a perfect match for the US Ambassador to the UN - his humanitarian work is world famous, he is well liked and well respected on the World State, also Clinton has learned from the mistakes of Rwanda and knows what must be done to prevent genoside from happening again. He would be able to swing Obama's vote to sending troops on peacekeeping missions. This would also set him up to be the next UN Secretary General.
Alright, that looks like the Cabinet filled, any criticizm would be fine, and greatly appreciated (words of encouragment are fine as well.) As our country heads into this new "Brave" world, I worry that many things will change - yet still hope those changes come.
I hope that our economy will bounce back, that we will be able to withdrawl our troops from Iraq, and concentrate on finding Osama bin Laden, I hope that congress will pass laws outlawing Embryonic Stem Cell research, the Death Penalty, and Rolling Stones Tours. I hope that we will gain a better tollerance of homosexuallity and understand that they are people just as well (and pass laws allowing Civil Unions!) I hope that our college education systems will grow, I hope that we will end hungar, crime, and many other things that plague our country. But most of all, I hope that we will end abortion once and for all - 50 million babies is alot of children. Too Many have died because of selfishness and greed, we must stop it now!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I am Gregory House
One week ago - almost to the hour. I played Dr. Gregory House, at the SNA nursing confrence in Myrtle Beach. And personally, I thought I nailed the part. Which at the time, I thought was simply because I enjoyed the show, and the character, and thought it was funny.
....Now I know that's pretty much crap.
The reason I nailed the part is because, I am Gregory House. I am a synical, dark, argumentitive, jackass. I care more about superficial things, than about concrete things. I care more about winning than being friends. But most of all, I care more about being right. I hate loosing, and I especially hate being wrong.
I say i'm going into nursing because I want to care for patients - because i'm concerned with people, because I want to save lives. Which is very true, I do want to do all those things.
But just as much - I want to win. I want to look death in the eye and say "F*** You, I've got the bigger balls." I want to prove that I will be the one standing when the shit hits the fans. And that's what House wants, he doesn't care if the patient likes him - he doesn't care if his staff likes him.
He Just Wants To Win. At All Costs.
But that's just the nicest aspect of House i'm connected too. I am also connected to his non-hospital ways as well. I am, selfish, decietful I am standoffish, and alone - even though I "want" somebody, I don't want somebody. I want to be wanted, but don't want to want anyone.
Like him, I ask out girls, not because i'm intrested in them, but because it's something to do (so far my record since Feburary is 0 - 5; and I don't pick bad ones either.) But I just don't care anymore. I've been turned down enough that, I'm just about ready to say "forget it" and not bother anymore.
House has no friends - atleast no true ones - Wilson is right, they "arn't" friends, and may never have been friends. I don't know if I have true friends either - but for a different reason, I have yet to be called out, by anyone - especially by someone who is my friend. Like House - I push the people around me to the limits, to see their breaking points, and where the line is, and though I will never cross it, I find it, and sit on it. And for some reason, I still have people to talk to.
I'm quite obviously an ass (which House is, constantly,) and have been since Feb 15th, 2004 but...that hasn't stopped people from ignoring that fact, why? It's actually quite funny. My approval/attention doesn't matter that much, and there are only so many jokes I can be the butt of, but people still come back to me.
Like House, i'm much smarter than I seem, I just don't bother applying myself to anything, until I absolutely have to, and then I end up with a passsing grade/paper/project. But i've gotten to the point like him and I ask "Where's the fun?" Seriously, where is the fun in placeing a femoral cath? Or in treating a pateint who can't remember you name 2 seconds after you introduce yourself?
And finally, I'm lonely - just like the character on TV, because he is without a doubt lonely, depressed, and cynical. And I'm not lonely because i'm not haveing sex every weekend (i've turned it down quite frequently) or because I'm not drinking my brains out every Friday night (once again, i've turned down the invitation.) I'm just simply lonely.
The one thing, the one thing i'm good at - is solveing OTHER people's problems, while ignoring my own. Relationships? If you've got a problem i've got a cure - if i've got a problem, i'll just ignore it. Tough Decisions? I can help you make your mind, and move on. Can't make my own mind up, to save my life. Life Altering Moves - I can get you to make the right decision, while completely f'ing myself over.
Just Like House.
So I guess, I'll just have to do what House does - become the best at what he does, and tell the world to go to Hell.
I am Gregory House. And i'm here to save you.
....Now I know that's pretty much crap.
The reason I nailed the part is because, I am Gregory House. I am a synical, dark, argumentitive, jackass. I care more about superficial things, than about concrete things. I care more about winning than being friends. But most of all, I care more about being right. I hate loosing, and I especially hate being wrong.
I say i'm going into nursing because I want to care for patients - because i'm concerned with people, because I want to save lives. Which is very true, I do want to do all those things.
But just as much - I want to win. I want to look death in the eye and say "F*** You, I've got the bigger balls." I want to prove that I will be the one standing when the shit hits the fans. And that's what House wants, he doesn't care if the patient likes him - he doesn't care if his staff likes him.
He Just Wants To Win. At All Costs.
But that's just the nicest aspect of House i'm connected too. I am also connected to his non-hospital ways as well. I am, selfish, decietful I am standoffish, and alone - even though I "want" somebody, I don't want somebody. I want to be wanted, but don't want to want anyone.
Like him, I ask out girls, not because i'm intrested in them, but because it's something to do (so far my record since Feburary is 0 - 5; and I don't pick bad ones either.) But I just don't care anymore. I've been turned down enough that, I'm just about ready to say "forget it" and not bother anymore.
House has no friends - atleast no true ones - Wilson is right, they "arn't" friends, and may never have been friends. I don't know if I have true friends either - but for a different reason, I have yet to be called out, by anyone - especially by someone who is my friend. Like House - I push the people around me to the limits, to see their breaking points, and where the line is, and though I will never cross it, I find it, and sit on it. And for some reason, I still have people to talk to.
I'm quite obviously an ass (which House is, constantly,) and have been since Feb 15th, 2004 but...that hasn't stopped people from ignoring that fact, why? It's actually quite funny. My approval/attention doesn't matter that much, and there are only so many jokes I can be the butt of, but people still come back to me.
Like House, i'm much smarter than I seem, I just don't bother applying myself to anything, until I absolutely have to, and then I end up with a passsing grade/paper/project. But i've gotten to the point like him and I ask "Where's the fun?" Seriously, where is the fun in placeing a femoral cath? Or in treating a pateint who can't remember you name 2 seconds after you introduce yourself?
And finally, I'm lonely - just like the character on TV, because he is without a doubt lonely, depressed, and cynical. And I'm not lonely because i'm not haveing sex every weekend (i've turned it down quite frequently) or because I'm not drinking my brains out every Friday night (once again, i've turned down the invitation.) I'm just simply lonely.
The one thing, the one thing i'm good at - is solveing OTHER people's problems, while ignoring my own. Relationships? If you've got a problem i've got a cure - if i've got a problem, i'll just ignore it. Tough Decisions? I can help you make your mind, and move on. Can't make my own mind up, to save my life. Life Altering Moves - I can get you to make the right decision, while completely f'ing myself over.
Just Like House.
So I guess, I'll just have to do what House does - become the best at what he does, and tell the world to go to Hell.
I am Gregory House. And i'm here to save you.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
U.S.A!!! U.S.A!!!
Well, no wonder the world loves the Olympics:
The games may be half over, but I think there has been more stories in these past Olympics than in the past 2 combined. And we still have my favorite events to come yet (400 m sprint and 4x400m sprint).
Already we've seen a 23 year old set 7 world records, and earn 8 gold medals; a Jamaican blow the competition out of the water for the 100 m sprint, a 41 year old women nearly get several gold medals, and watch two young women win gold and silver in All Around Gymnastics - all, unheard of.
And all of it, has been done in good sportsmanship. It is unfathomable how well these athletes are treating each other, or how well China is treating all the participants and fans. The Olympics really are one of humanities crowning achievements, simply unexplainable.
If all the world leaders could sit down and watch how athletes from North and South Korea compete, How the Chinese and US basketball teams tried to have fun as well as win, and how Russian and Georgian athletes competed not as bitter enemies, or even as rivals, but simply as competitors who wanted to ensure a good game.
And gold meddles are not the only goal of the Olympics, creating lasting bonds of friendship seem to be just as important, Torres (the 41 year old US women's swimmer) made sure that the judges would not disqualify an Australian swimmer because her suit had ripped and she needed to change it - whereas she could very well have let the girl embarrass herself by having to step out of the race.
Or how about Yao Ming continueing to play against the US basketball team, even though he was quite obviously in a great deal of pain? And then when he could play no more - still rooting for his team, jumping and cheering at every basket and great play.
These games are truly magical.
Then there's the comradry amongst teammates - the NBA players of the basketball games are playing unselfishly unlike those of the past 8 years (they look more like the Dream Team of old, than the selfish rich jerks that so many of their fellow players are.) Or what about Jason Lezak Reaching for just alittle more to beat out his French opponent by eight-hundredths of a second....and coming from so far behind, unbelievable.
Then there's Phelps. Ian Thorpe doubted him, the French doubted him, the announcers doubted him, but his teammates didn't, his family didn't - and his fans certainly didn't. Along with breaking Spitz record of 7 gold medals (Phelps got 8) He broke 7 world records (7!!!) he also added an olympic record just for good measure. He was the fastest, when it counted, winning by one-hundredth of a second, faster than a camera shutter in one of his hardest races. He never let others get him down, and he helped to urge his teammates on. He was also quick to dole out credit to everyone that helped - which when combining his "god-like" athletic ability, with the unselfishness of a true teammate makes him truly Olympic.
So many great stories - so many more to come, these last few days look to be spectacular, Still to come: Softball Championship; Basketball Championship, 200meter race, 400 m and 4x400m races and many more, It's too bad this great event only happens once every four years - but I do believe that the magic would be slightly lost if it were played sooner.
But while these games have been going on, I've realised that while I may never be able to perform at that level of athleticism, I can still get myself into the best shape of my life, but the time the next olympics rolls around. And you never know, at 25 I could very well have a shot to make it too London, England - now wouldn't that be something. So I desided to make a starting list, a list for one year from now, a list for 4 years from now, and finally a list of the events I would even have a shot in.
Event Current: One Year Goal: Four Year Goal:
Cardio:
1-mile run(T): 13:59 minutes 05:30 minutes 04:59 minutes
Distance run(T): 31:00 minutes 75:00 minutes 90:00 minutes
(2.24 miles) (9.0 miles) (12.85 miles)
Timed Run - 1hr(T): 4.02 miles 7.04 miles 10.06 miles
Aerobic (Lower):
Leg Press(A): 110 lbs (15x3*) 225 lbs (15x4*) 290 lbs (15x4*)
Adduction(A): 77 / 88 / 77 lbs 150 / 170 / 150 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Abduction(A): 88 / 99 / 88 lbs 170 / 190 / 170 lbs 210 / 230 / 210 lbs
Lying Leg Curl(A): 44 / 55 / 44 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 180 / 200 / 180 lbs
Leg Extention(A): 33 / 44 / 33 lbs 77 / 88 / 77 lbs 120 / 140 / 120 lbs
Aerobic (Upper):
Ind. Chest Press(A): 33 / 44 / 33 lbs 120 / 140 / 120 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Ind. Shoulder Press(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Pectoral Fly(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Rear Deltoid(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Mid Row(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Pull Over(A): 55 / 66 / 55 lbs 120 / 140 / 120 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Abdominals:
Abdominal Crunch(A): 66 / 77 / 66 lbs 130 / 150 / 130 lbs 180 / 200 / 180 lbs
Back Extentions(A): 99 / 110 / 99 lbs 150 / 170 / 150 lbs 220 / 240 / 220 lbs
Sit Ups 30 120 300
Arms:
Bicep Curl: 10 / 15 / 10 lbs 50 / 60 / 50 lbs 80 / 90 / 80 lbs
Tricep Extention(A): 33 / 44 / 33 lbs 75 / 90 / 75 lbs 90 / 110 / 90 lbs
Wrist Curl: 5 / 10 / 5 lbs 25 / 30 / 25 lbs 50 / 60 / 50 lbs
Reverse Wrist Curl: 5 / 10 / 5 lbs 25 / 30 / 25 lbs 50 / 60 / 50 lbs
Finally: 400 meter time: 1:36 minutes 1:29 minutes 0:49 minutes
* means that all Aerobic numbers would be 15 reps 3-4 times
(A) means a weight machine/assisted weight bench was used
(T) means a treadmill was used
The games may be half over, but I think there has been more stories in these past Olympics than in the past 2 combined. And we still have my favorite events to come yet (400 m sprint and 4x400m sprint).
Already we've seen a 23 year old set 7 world records, and earn 8 gold medals; a Jamaican blow the competition out of the water for the 100 m sprint, a 41 year old women nearly get several gold medals, and watch two young women win gold and silver in All Around Gymnastics - all, unheard of.
And all of it, has been done in good sportsmanship. It is unfathomable how well these athletes are treating each other, or how well China is treating all the participants and fans. The Olympics really are one of humanities crowning achievements, simply unexplainable.
If all the world leaders could sit down and watch how athletes from North and South Korea compete, How the Chinese and US basketball teams tried to have fun as well as win, and how Russian and Georgian athletes competed not as bitter enemies, or even as rivals, but simply as competitors who wanted to ensure a good game.
And gold meddles are not the only goal of the Olympics, creating lasting bonds of friendship seem to be just as important, Torres (the 41 year old US women's swimmer) made sure that the judges would not disqualify an Australian swimmer because her suit had ripped and she needed to change it - whereas she could very well have let the girl embarrass herself by having to step out of the race.
Or how about Yao Ming continueing to play against the US basketball team, even though he was quite obviously in a great deal of pain? And then when he could play no more - still rooting for his team, jumping and cheering at every basket and great play.
These games are truly magical.
Then there's the comradry amongst teammates - the NBA players of the basketball games are playing unselfishly unlike those of the past 8 years (they look more like the Dream Team of old, than the selfish rich jerks that so many of their fellow players are.) Or what about Jason Lezak Reaching for just alittle more to beat out his French opponent by eight-hundredths of a second....and coming from so far behind, unbelievable.
Then there's Phelps. Ian Thorpe doubted him, the French doubted him, the announcers doubted him, but his teammates didn't, his family didn't - and his fans certainly didn't. Along with breaking Spitz record of 7 gold medals (Phelps got 8) He broke 7 world records (7!!!) he also added an olympic record just for good measure. He was the fastest, when it counted, winning by one-hundredth of a second, faster than a camera shutter in one of his hardest races. He never let others get him down, and he helped to urge his teammates on. He was also quick to dole out credit to everyone that helped - which when combining his "god-like" athletic ability, with the unselfishness of a true teammate makes him truly Olympic.
So many great stories - so many more to come, these last few days look to be spectacular, Still to come: Softball Championship; Basketball Championship, 200meter race, 400 m and 4x400m races and many more, It's too bad this great event only happens once every four years - but I do believe that the magic would be slightly lost if it were played sooner.
But while these games have been going on, I've realised that while I may never be able to perform at that level of athleticism, I can still get myself into the best shape of my life, but the time the next olympics rolls around. And you never know, at 25 I could very well have a shot to make it too London, England - now wouldn't that be something. So I desided to make a starting list, a list for one year from now, a list for 4 years from now, and finally a list of the events I would even have a shot in.
Event Current: One Year Goal: Four Year Goal:
Cardio:
1-mile run(T): 13:59 minutes 05:30 minutes 04:59 minutes
Distance run(T): 31:00 minutes 75:00 minutes 90:00 minutes
(2.24 miles) (9.0 miles) (12.85 miles)
Timed Run - 1hr(T): 4.02 miles 7.04 miles 10.06 miles
Aerobic (Lower):
Leg Press(A): 110 lbs (15x3*) 225 lbs (15x4*) 290 lbs (15x4*)
Adduction(A): 77 / 88 / 77 lbs 150 / 170 / 150 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Abduction(A): 88 / 99 / 88 lbs 170 / 190 / 170 lbs 210 / 230 / 210 lbs
Lying Leg Curl(A): 44 / 55 / 44 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 180 / 200 / 180 lbs
Leg Extention(A): 33 / 44 / 33 lbs 77 / 88 / 77 lbs 120 / 140 / 120 lbs
Aerobic (Upper):
Ind. Chest Press(A): 33 / 44 / 33 lbs 120 / 140 / 120 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Ind. Shoulder Press(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Pectoral Fly(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Rear Deltoid(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Mid Row(A): 22 / 33 / 22 lbs 100 / 120 / 100 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Pull Over(A): 55 / 66 / 55 lbs 120 / 140 / 120 lbs 200 / 220 / 200 lbs
Abdominals:
Abdominal Crunch(A): 66 / 77 / 66 lbs 130 / 150 / 130 lbs 180 / 200 / 180 lbs
Back Extentions(A): 99 / 110 / 99 lbs 150 / 170 / 150 lbs 220 / 240 / 220 lbs
Sit Ups 30 120 300
Arms:
Bicep Curl: 10 / 15 / 10 lbs 50 / 60 / 50 lbs 80 / 90 / 80 lbs
Tricep Extention(A): 33 / 44 / 33 lbs 75 / 90 / 75 lbs 90 / 110 / 90 lbs
Wrist Curl: 5 / 10 / 5 lbs 25 / 30 / 25 lbs 50 / 60 / 50 lbs
Reverse Wrist Curl: 5 / 10 / 5 lbs 25 / 30 / 25 lbs 50 / 60 / 50 lbs
Finally: 400 meter time: 1:36 minutes 1:29 minutes 0:49 minutes
* means that all Aerobic numbers would be 15 reps 3-4 times
(A) means a weight machine/assisted weight bench was used
(T) means a treadmill was used
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Franklen D. Roosevelt Was a Liar!
Franklen D. Roosevelt has the famous line "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." And while that was great to say during the depression and beginning of World War II. In reality it was completely false.
I mean comeon, do you really believe that there is nothing out there to fear? What about the underling current that is the beginnings of the second Civil War in the United States? What about Global Warming? What about the collapse of the Western world as we know it? What about Super high Gas prices???? Which by the way are no where near as high as Europe where you can still pay over $10 a gallen for the cruddy stuff!
Well for me, it's different. All those things above? I'm not worried about them - they will work themselves out (and if i've gotta pay $4.50 for a gallon of gas so be it.) But i'm scared about something you really really frightens me.
Being ALONE...
And I don't mean being the last person on a deaster island, or even the last person alive alone. I mean living in a world of 7+ billion people and being uterly, truely alone. Being so alone that even though there are people all around you, you feel like you are the only person slowly sinking in an endless ocean. Now that's something to be scared of.
I'm afraid i'm gunna wake up one day - and my life will have passed me by and all that I'm gunna see on the other side of the bed is a pillow.
Now for a guy who's 21 years old, and in college most of you are going to laugh this off - or think why would he even care. And to an extent I can understand that - I mean most guys in college are all about the unrestricted booze, sex and drugs. Not me. Most people are like - don't think about settling down until your in your 30's and your career is in place. NOT Me. Some people would even say - hey if you don't end up with someone oh well, go out and enjoy life for you. Not Me.
Ever since I can remember I wanted a family, I wanted to be the greatest Dad, the greatest Husband, and just the best family man I could be. I'd sacrifice anything for that - I'd have been more than willing to do whatever it took to be that man.
And I've tried, dearly - I spent 4 years (the last year and a half being the worst part) with a girl whom I though would be the one for me...and that didn't work. But it's not because I didn't try everything I could think of. I did all that and more. It didn't work for the main reason that it wasn't meant to be - and it wasn't meant to be, because the young woman was not mature enough to be in a relationship that would lead to forever.
Now, I am not faultless in this - but what I am at fault for is trying to be perfect, and then not seeing that this was not a relationship I should have been in. I sacrificed alot for this girl (my pride and the respect of some of those whom I care about being some of the biggest things.) I also assasinated my own character to appease this girl - and I know now that i'm worth so much more than that.
So...while I've "moved on" I now have a new problem. I'm no longer controled by an immature, selfish little girl. But that "little girl" was also the source of some of the happiest memories of my life - and those are what I'll tak away from those last 4 years. And I won't forget how bad it felt to be treated the way she treated me, that no matter how hard I try will not be forgotten.
But my new problem is the reason I was sticking with her for so long...now I'm alone. And i'm not one of those guys who has tons of girls on the horizion. Nope - i've just got endless ocean as far as the eye can see. And that scares me, because it was the companionship - the knowing that someone is there that really meant the most to me. The fact that I knew I could call, and she'd be there - that's one of the things that mattered most. Now, i've got nobody - and the future is just slightly bleak.
And while I'm no catch man wise - I can say this about myself - there is not anyone out there who is more willing to work harder at improving himself than me. And there's noone who will treat a girl better. Because while I may not be a "hunk-sicle" I am Christopher - and I want the person i'm with to be the happiest one in the world.
So, ya - I do have things to fear, and i'm scared to death i'm gunna be alone. Can you fix that? Nope! But...perhaps you could throw advise myway - you never know what might help.
See FDR - we do have things to fear!
I mean comeon, do you really believe that there is nothing out there to fear? What about the underling current that is the beginnings of the second Civil War in the United States? What about Global Warming? What about the collapse of the Western world as we know it? What about Super high Gas prices???? Which by the way are no where near as high as Europe where you can still pay over $10 a gallen for the cruddy stuff!
Well for me, it's different. All those things above? I'm not worried about them - they will work themselves out (and if i've gotta pay $4.50 for a gallon of gas so be it.) But i'm scared about something you really really frightens me.
Being ALONE...
And I don't mean being the last person on a deaster island, or even the last person alive alone. I mean living in a world of 7+ billion people and being uterly, truely alone. Being so alone that even though there are people all around you, you feel like you are the only person slowly sinking in an endless ocean. Now that's something to be scared of.
I'm afraid i'm gunna wake up one day - and my life will have passed me by and all that I'm gunna see on the other side of the bed is a pillow.
Now for a guy who's 21 years old, and in college most of you are going to laugh this off - or think why would he even care. And to an extent I can understand that - I mean most guys in college are all about the unrestricted booze, sex and drugs. Not me. Most people are like - don't think about settling down until your in your 30's and your career is in place. NOT Me. Some people would even say - hey if you don't end up with someone oh well, go out and enjoy life for you. Not Me.
Ever since I can remember I wanted a family, I wanted to be the greatest Dad, the greatest Husband, and just the best family man I could be. I'd sacrifice anything for that - I'd have been more than willing to do whatever it took to be that man.
And I've tried, dearly - I spent 4 years (the last year and a half being the worst part) with a girl whom I though would be the one for me...and that didn't work. But it's not because I didn't try everything I could think of. I did all that and more. It didn't work for the main reason that it wasn't meant to be - and it wasn't meant to be, because the young woman was not mature enough to be in a relationship that would lead to forever.
Now, I am not faultless in this - but what I am at fault for is trying to be perfect, and then not seeing that this was not a relationship I should have been in. I sacrificed alot for this girl (my pride and the respect of some of those whom I care about being some of the biggest things.) I also assasinated my own character to appease this girl - and I know now that i'm worth so much more than that.
So...while I've "moved on" I now have a new problem. I'm no longer controled by an immature, selfish little girl. But that "little girl" was also the source of some of the happiest memories of my life - and those are what I'll tak away from those last 4 years. And I won't forget how bad it felt to be treated the way she treated me, that no matter how hard I try will not be forgotten.
But my new problem is the reason I was sticking with her for so long...now I'm alone. And i'm not one of those guys who has tons of girls on the horizion. Nope - i've just got endless ocean as far as the eye can see. And that scares me, because it was the companionship - the knowing that someone is there that really meant the most to me. The fact that I knew I could call, and she'd be there - that's one of the things that mattered most. Now, i've got nobody - and the future is just slightly bleak.
And while I'm no catch man wise - I can say this about myself - there is not anyone out there who is more willing to work harder at improving himself than me. And there's noone who will treat a girl better. Because while I may not be a "hunk-sicle" I am Christopher - and I want the person i'm with to be the happiest one in the world.
So, ya - I do have things to fear, and i'm scared to death i'm gunna be alone. Can you fix that? Nope! But...perhaps you could throw advise myway - you never know what might help.
See FDR - we do have things to fear!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Taken The First Step
Well....It took me a while, but I finally took the first step. I've been wondering what i'd be writing about and didn't want to write an article until I had something substantial to write, and I finally do.
As of this morning, every file, picture and download of pornogrophy (including maxim maginzes, internet site downloads, and pictures) has been deleted/thrown away...For Good!
No more, that stuff was tieing me down, and preventing me from living - especially the parts that were of a certain girl - and it wasn't letting me move on.
The worst part of it, was how depressing it was, I'd have a hard day at school - so i'd turn to it, I'd get in a fight at home, i'd turn to it - or how about getting turned down flat just to go for coffee with a girl - well that was a big one too, course i'd turn to it. But the biggest one, whenever i'd talk to that girl (my ex) I would feel close and all of a sudden...bam she would say something to me, and i'd turn to it.
The truth about it, is it made me feel terrible, I felt like trash, I couldn't stand myself even tough I knew about it. I couldn't stand the looks of people who knew it must be happening, I couldn't stand talking to one girl at school who I thought was increadible but figured that she would think I was a looser because of it. And I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I couldn't stand the sight of myself.
So it's GONE!
Now, does this fact mean I think porn is wrong? Yes, Yes, 1000 Times Yes! So some of you are saying "What the hell is he talking about??" Well, there's one simple reason why I think it's wrong - it turns women into objects that you want for personal gratification - and yes that's the one that everybody says but I've got a reason why.
When your young, as in when your 10 all you care about it dirt bikes, baseball and Nintendo. You wouldn't care if you saw a girl naked - infact you might think it was really gross.
So why do it when your older? Because it makes you feel good. And to be honest, why do you want to feel good if you can't get to know the girl - I always find that kind of stupid.
Next - what do you get out of it? One comedian even pointed out that the average person watches porn for 11 minutes top. What do you get out of it? I mean, ya you can have a "happy ending" at the end of it - but you can't even roll over and tell the girl thanks. You just turn off the screen. And in fact you start objectifying women - out on the street you might see them and be like "Damn I'd like to see her naked" Never mind that that girl is someones' Daughter, sister, wife, etc.
Think about that for a second. Say you have a daughter you want someone staring at her naked form? I justs made you wanna puke right? GOOD! Now manybe you can see why it's slightly gross.
And for me my biggest problem is - instead of getting to know people you just try to think if they would screw you and that's that.
So instead of staring at porn at night - read a book, figure out a plan, and deside how your going to go Get a girl who can be more then just a sex buddy - she can be a girlfriend/best friend/future you. Think about it.
Now, even though i've said all the above - i'm not perfect - and it's not to say i'm going to be strong enough to never turn to it again, but I'm gunna do my damnedest to keep away from it. So if you've got the stones (or even if you don't) see if you can follow my lead.
As of this morning, every file, picture and download of pornogrophy (including maxim maginzes, internet site downloads, and pictures) has been deleted/thrown away...For Good!
No more, that stuff was tieing me down, and preventing me from living - especially the parts that were of a certain girl - and it wasn't letting me move on.
The worst part of it, was how depressing it was, I'd have a hard day at school - so i'd turn to it, I'd get in a fight at home, i'd turn to it - or how about getting turned down flat just to go for coffee with a girl - well that was a big one too, course i'd turn to it. But the biggest one, whenever i'd talk to that girl (my ex) I would feel close and all of a sudden...bam she would say something to me, and i'd turn to it.
The truth about it, is it made me feel terrible, I felt like trash, I couldn't stand myself even tough I knew about it. I couldn't stand the looks of people who knew it must be happening, I couldn't stand talking to one girl at school who I thought was increadible but figured that she would think I was a looser because of it. And I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I couldn't stand the sight of myself.
So it's GONE!
Now, does this fact mean I think porn is wrong? Yes, Yes, 1000 Times Yes! So some of you are saying "What the hell is he talking about??" Well, there's one simple reason why I think it's wrong - it turns women into objects that you want for personal gratification - and yes that's the one that everybody says but I've got a reason why.
When your young, as in when your 10 all you care about it dirt bikes, baseball and Nintendo. You wouldn't care if you saw a girl naked - infact you might think it was really gross.
So why do it when your older? Because it makes you feel good. And to be honest, why do you want to feel good if you can't get to know the girl - I always find that kind of stupid.
Next - what do you get out of it? One comedian even pointed out that the average person watches porn for 11 minutes top. What do you get out of it? I mean, ya you can have a "happy ending" at the end of it - but you can't even roll over and tell the girl thanks. You just turn off the screen. And in fact you start objectifying women - out on the street you might see them and be like "Damn I'd like to see her naked" Never mind that that girl is someones' Daughter, sister, wife, etc.
Think about that for a second. Say you have a daughter you want someone staring at her naked form? I justs made you wanna puke right? GOOD! Now manybe you can see why it's slightly gross.
And for me my biggest problem is - instead of getting to know people you just try to think if they would screw you and that's that.
So instead of staring at porn at night - read a book, figure out a plan, and deside how your going to go Get a girl who can be more then just a sex buddy - she can be a girlfriend/best friend/future you. Think about it.
Now, even though i've said all the above - i'm not perfect - and it's not to say i'm going to be strong enough to never turn to it again, but I'm gunna do my damnedest to keep away from it. So if you've got the stones (or even if you don't) see if you can follow my lead.
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