So...What's It Like?

One week in to 2009, about the right time for an entry, or so I would think. I was really trying to figure out a happy entry, one that I could put interesting stuff about everything I’ve done in this first week, but instead my thoughts have been dominated by one thing – how fast time is flying.

And when I consider that (I mean, were one week into 2009 already) all I can think of is what happens when….you know….time runs out.

I don’t mean when the sun explodes, the apocalypse happens, or a giant meteorite crashes into the earth turning the planet into a dust covered wasteland, I’m talking about me…what happens when my time stops.

And yes I know I’m 21 years old, I know I’ve got “my whole life in front of me, etc etc etc.” It gets old hearing that, I mean, I’ve passed by a lot of stuff – I can’t be a kid anymore, because if I am, I’m called immature; I can’t eat what I want, drink what I want, because my metabolism has decided that it doesn’t wanna work anymore – so I just pack on the pounds; and finally I can’t go back, and be 16, 9 or even 5 again.

21 years...gone, never coming back. I mean, honestly….what should I look forward too? Between 50 and 94 years is all I’ve got left (the second number being the age of the oldest person in the US, and would require me to get into the best shape of my life.) So, ok that’s a few years, but in about 9 I’m going to be running out of energy, running out of stamina, in 20-30 years my life will be roughly half over…depressing isn’t it?

How about this…how about we just look at those next 9 years…just for fun (here’s what I hope to do in that time): Graduate, get my RN, get married, start a family, get a masters/Ph.D/DNP/MD in SOMETHING (in what I have no idea) – none of these have to be in any particular order (although married should come before start a family, in generally is less complicated that way.)

But ya, alright, so the next 9 years could be ok, even if I only get a couple of those things (I have some preferences, but most of you can figure those out.) But what about after that? What about if I live to be 100, that’s roughly 80 more years, 10 of which we have accounted for about 40 years after that, I’m going to have to stop working (mainly because generally 70 year olds are a bit old to be nurses)

Ok, so now I’m 71, roughly 30 years left, what can I do for those last 30 years? Can I play baseball? Unless I look like the Terminator I don’t think so. Would I be able to travel? Maybe – but only if (and this is a huge assumption) I don’t have to pee every 5 minutes. Sex (if I’m lucky enough to be married/getting any) isn’t going to be the same as it would be even 15 years previously)

So…what do I got left? Playing internet poker for 14 hours a day; Watching CNN and FoxNews (while getting mad at Bill O’Riley); growing sleepy even doing mundane tasks…I mean, no offence to people who like this, but it kinda sucks.

I mean, I’ve got a silly goal I would like to have a million dollars for when I retire, but say I retire around 70, a million dollars is great, but what can I do with it? I’d like to travel, I’d like to do lots of things, but with only roughly 30 years left, I’m running out of time real fast.

So now lets fast forward…it’s time.

This is what I truly am scared of. I got lucky this past semester, there was only one patient whom was close to dieing while I was at the hospital…but it still scared the hell out of me – at least on the inside, on the outside I had a different appearance.

I mean, I’ve got faith that there is something after this, even though every once in a while I get shit scared because what if there isn’t? But that’s a different discussion for a different day.

I’m scared, really really scared, because what is dieing like?

Yaya I know everybody is scared, nobody knows what it’s going to be like but I’m truly afraid about what its gunna be like.

Will it hurt? Does it hurt to stop breathing? I mean, I’m not a guy normally scared, or paralyzed by fear, but I am scared of pain, that may never end. Do you know your dieing? Do you feel anything? Is there really the white light? What about….everything?

And….nobody can answer these questions, and honestly – I’m really really glad that nobody can, because I’d be terrified to find out the answer. While I want to know, I don’t want to know at the same time, and the reason is, because I’m afraid of pain, well…I don’t want to have to look forward to pain.

But all the same, death still scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid of what happens afterwords, of what happens during the process, and generally because so little is known about it…I’m terrified of it.

I always thought that if I was around death (like in a hospital) that you are de-sensitized to it, but in fact, that’s wrong, in reality you just have to hide your fear of it. Especially if a patient is scared, you have to be strong for them to see, it does no good for the nurse and doctor to freak out and cause the patient pain before they go.

But it doesn’t make it any easier. Which I think is why death hits me so hard, because like I said a while back, I want to win, I want to defeat death. Which physically isn’t possible, but I would still like to try, the oldest person on record was like 130 – 140, and sometimes I wish I could beat the record, but why would I want too? Life can’t be all that fun at that age, I mean…can you walk? Talk? Eat? Sleep? Screw? Or any of 100 other things? I haven’t the faintest idea, and am not sure I want to find that one out either.

The other part about death that scares me is that it can happen anytime, even as I’m typing this, I could be struck down by lightning, tomorrow I could be killed in a car crash, die of Cancer, or a billion other reasons, and while it may be scary now…when I’m actually facing it…I think I’ll be even more terrified…

What if it comes before I get to do things I want to do? I mean, if it came tomorrow, I wouldn’t have gotten to do half the things on my to do list.

But there is a slight religious aspect too it, and that’s the teaching that we die when it is our time – and yes I know why do we bring babies into this world only to die moments later, I don’t know, maybe for the impact they have on people’s lives, who knows.

The one thing that gives me solus is remembering that while I have no control over death, death does not control me – I am always able to live my life, even if the world goes to hell in a handbasket because you never know how it’s going to affect you.

So while I am scared of death, I’m not petrified, at least not yet. And to be honest, after seeing all I’ve written about it, maybe, just maybe I can now be stronger, and perhaps it will give me insight in how to help others conquer their fears of it.