Franklen D. Roosevelt Was a Liar!

Franklen D. Roosevelt has the famous line "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." And while that was great to say during the depression and beginning of World War II. In reality it was completely false.

I mean comeon, do you really believe that there is nothing out there to fear? What about the underling current that is the beginnings of the second Civil War in the United States? What about Global Warming? What about the collapse of the Western world as we know it? What about Super high Gas prices???? Which by the way are no where near as high as Europe where you can still pay over $10 a gallen for the cruddy stuff!

Well for me, it's different. All those things above? I'm not worried about them - they will work themselves out (and if i've gotta pay $4.50 for a gallon of gas so be it.) But i'm scared about something you really really frightens me.

Being ALONE...

And I don't mean being the last person on a deaster island, or even the last person alive alone. I mean living in a world of 7+ billion people and being uterly, truely alone. Being so alone that even though there are people all around you, you feel like you are the only person slowly sinking in an endless ocean. Now that's something to be scared of.

I'm afraid i'm gunna wake up one day - and my life will have passed me by and all that I'm gunna see on the other side of the bed is a pillow.

Now for a guy who's 21 years old, and in college most of you are going to laugh this off - or think why would he even care. And to an extent I can understand that - I mean most guys in college are all about the unrestricted booze, sex and drugs. Not me. Most people are like - don't think about settling down until your in your 30's and your career is in place. NOT Me. Some people would even say - hey if you don't end up with someone oh well, go out and enjoy life for you. Not Me.

Ever since I can remember I wanted a family, I wanted to be the greatest Dad, the greatest Husband, and just the best family man I could be. I'd sacrifice anything for that - I'd have been more than willing to do whatever it took to be that man.

And I've tried, dearly - I spent 4 years (the last year and a half being the worst part) with a girl whom I though would be the one for me...and that didn't work. But it's not because I didn't try everything I could think of. I did all that and more. It didn't work for the main reason that it wasn't meant to be - and it wasn't meant to be, because the young woman was not mature enough to be in a relationship that would lead to forever.

Now, I am not faultless in this - but what I am at fault for is trying to be perfect, and then not seeing that this was not a relationship I should have been in. I sacrificed alot for this girl (my pride and the respect of some of those whom I care about being some of the biggest things.) I also assasinated my own character to appease this girl - and I know now that i'm worth so much more than that.

So...while I've "moved on" I now have a new problem. I'm no longer controled by an immature, selfish little girl. But that "little girl" was also the source of some of the happiest memories of my life - and those are what I'll tak away from those last 4 years. And I won't forget how bad it felt to be treated the way she treated me, that no matter how hard I try will not be forgotten.

But my new problem is the reason I was sticking with her for so long...now I'm alone. And i'm not one of those guys who has tons of girls on the horizion. Nope - i've just got endless ocean as far as the eye can see. And that scares me, because it was the companionship - the knowing that someone is there that really meant the most to me. The fact that I knew I could call, and she'd be there - that's one of the things that mattered most. Now, i've got nobody - and the future is just slightly bleak.

And while I'm no catch man wise - I can say this about myself - there is not anyone out there who is more willing to work harder at improving himself than me. And there's noone who will treat a girl better. Because while I may not be a "hunk-sicle" I am Christopher - and I want the person i'm with to be the happiest one in the world.

So, ya - I do have things to fear, and i'm scared to death i'm gunna be alone. Can you fix that? Nope! But...perhaps you could throw advise myway - you never know what might help.

See FDR - we do have things to fear!

Taken The First Step

Well....It took me a while, but I finally took the first step. I've been wondering what i'd be writing about and didn't want to write an article until I had something substantial to write, and I finally do.

As of this morning, every file, picture and download of pornogrophy (including maxim maginzes, internet site downloads, and pictures) has been deleted/thrown away...For Good!

No more, that stuff was tieing me down, and preventing me from living - especially the parts that were of a certain girl - and it wasn't letting me move on.

The worst part of it, was how depressing it was, I'd have a hard day at school - so i'd turn to it, I'd get in a fight at home, i'd turn to it - or how about getting turned down flat just to go for coffee with a girl - well that was a big one too, course i'd turn to it. But the biggest one, whenever i'd talk to that girl (my ex) I would feel close and all of a sudden...bam she would say something to me, and i'd turn to it.

The truth about it, is it made me feel terrible, I felt like trash, I couldn't stand myself even tough I knew about it. I couldn't stand the looks of people who knew it must be happening, I couldn't stand talking to one girl at school who I thought was increadible but figured that she would think I was a looser because of it. And I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I couldn't stand the sight of myself.

So it's GONE!

Now, does this fact mean I think porn is wrong? Yes, Yes, 1000 Times Yes! So some of you are saying "What the hell is he talking about??" Well, there's one simple reason why I think it's wrong - it turns women into objects that you want for personal gratification - and yes that's the one that everybody says but I've got a reason why.

When your young, as in when your 10 all you care about it dirt bikes, baseball and Nintendo. You wouldn't care if you saw a girl naked - infact you might think it was really gross.

So why do it when your older? Because it makes you feel good. And to be honest, why do you want to feel good if you can't get to know the girl - I always find that kind of stupid.

Next - what do you get out of it? One comedian even pointed out that the average person watches porn for 11 minutes top. What do you get out of it? I mean, ya you can have a "happy ending" at the end of it - but you can't even roll over and tell the girl thanks. You just turn off the screen. And in fact you start objectifying women - out on the street you might see them and be like "Damn I'd like to see her naked" Never mind that that girl is someones' Daughter, sister, wife, etc.

Think about that for a second. Say you have a daughter you want someone staring at her naked form? I justs made you wanna puke right? GOOD! Now manybe you can see why it's slightly gross.

And for me my biggest problem is - instead of getting to know people you just try to think if they would screw you and that's that.

So instead of staring at porn at night - read a book, figure out a plan, and deside how your going to go Get a girl who can be more then just a sex buddy - she can be a girlfriend/best friend/future you. Think about it.

Now, even though i've said all the above - i'm not perfect - and it's not to say i'm going to be strong enough to never turn to it again, but I'm gunna do my damnedest to keep away from it. So if you've got the stones (or even if you don't) see if you can follow my lead.

End of the Year Rap Up

Well, here I am again - it's May 2008 - 8 days before my birthday. I'll be 21 ("wahoo.") To be honest I'm not all that excited. I mean ya, it's great - I can buy alcohol. Whoop-de-fricken-do. As you will find out, I don't drink that much (maybe it's the whole "Eagle Scout" approach to the fact that I want to be perfect, who knows.)

But as I reach this "milestone" I've been doing what I always seem to do - sum up the last 365 days. And for the most part...they've sucked royally. But there has been a few bright points. In the past year, i've been dumped (and then asked the same girl back out again - only to get dumped AGAIN! But that is a story that takes hours to tell, so i'll spare you the details.

I've officially been a nursing student for one year now - and for that I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to help people, and for once now it feels like I'll be able to - if I can just make it. I've met some of the greatest people you'd ever know in it - includeing a person who's been more than a best friend - he's been a big brother too me (you'll "meet" him later.)

While nursing was great - a downer was my new personallity. This was a change from a happy go lucky person who couldn't be down - to a depressed sarcastic jackass. You'd be supprised how many times I'm pissed at myself for acting in this new way - the worst part of which has to do with lieing.

I HATE Lieing!

I hate being lied too, I hate being lied about - but most important - I hate when I lie. And I never use to be that kind of person, but something changed - about 4 years ago - and it wasn't good. Right when I started dating my Ex...I started out good - but then I'd do little white lies about being late comeing home, stoping to see her after school etc. Well this became full blown outright disonesty in the past 6 months, because we were once again "dating" (although you couldn't even call it that anymore) and I would drive up to Winthrop University and then preseade to make up some bull shit story about where I was, and it finally came back and bit me in the butt - because I had to buy gas in Rock Hill.

Well....then the shit hit the fan, along with every bit of my dignaty, self respect, and the respect of my parents. So...now i've got to earn back 20 years of trust, that 6 f-ing months screwed over. Arn't I smart?

But along with the crappyness that was the past 6 months of my "dying relationship" I've met some really great people - people who help me stand on my own two feet, people who are there to pick me up after I was kicked to the ground by Ashley - for the 5th time. And then people who mean more to me than the rest of this world put together.

With all that being said, until very recently I still lived in a "perfect world" one that nothing I ever said could be wrong - and nothing I ever did could be bad. I was "god himself." Also - whatever I said had to be true - because if even though I lied to everybody else - I never lied to myself right?

WRONG!

I know that now. The little Fantasy world that I loved so much finally popped. I realised that all these "bad" grades I got were because I did't study even though I told myself I had. I realised that I wasn't mad at family for how crappy I felt or was treated - I was mad at myself. Everything came back to one fact....

I...JUST....SUCK!

And it's the truth. I have sucked for a long time. BUT! Now that the purple hase is gone from my eyes, I can see clearly now, so I hope you'll join me on this new chapter of my life, the one in which I leave this "fantasy" behind...