Franklen D. Roosevelt has the famous line "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." And while that was great to say during the depression and beginning of World War II. In reality it was completely false.
I mean comeon, do you really believe that there is nothing out there to fear? What about the underling current that is the beginnings of the second Civil War in the United States? What about Global Warming? What about the collapse of the Western world as we know it? What about Super high Gas prices???? Which by the way are no where near as high as Europe where you can still pay over $10 a gallen for the cruddy stuff!
Well for me, it's different. All those things above? I'm not worried about them - they will work themselves out (and if i've gotta pay $4.50 for a gallon of gas so be it.) But i'm scared about something you really really frightens me.
Being ALONE...
And I don't mean being the last person on a deaster island, or even the last person alive alone. I mean living in a world of 7+ billion people and being uterly, truely alone. Being so alone that even though there are people all around you, you feel like you are the only person slowly sinking in an endless ocean. Now that's something to be scared of.
I'm afraid i'm gunna wake up one day - and my life will have passed me by and all that I'm gunna see on the other side of the bed is a pillow.
Now for a guy who's 21 years old, and in college most of you are going to laugh this off - or think why would he even care. And to an extent I can understand that - I mean most guys in college are all about the unrestricted booze, sex and drugs. Not me. Most people are like - don't think about settling down until your in your 30's and your career is in place. NOT Me. Some people would even say - hey if you don't end up with someone oh well, go out and enjoy life for you. Not Me.
Ever since I can remember I wanted a family, I wanted to be the greatest Dad, the greatest Husband, and just the best family man I could be. I'd sacrifice anything for that - I'd have been more than willing to do whatever it took to be that man.
And I've tried, dearly - I spent 4 years (the last year and a half being the worst part) with a girl whom I though would be the one for me...and that didn't work. But it's not because I didn't try everything I could think of. I did all that and more. It didn't work for the main reason that it wasn't meant to be - and it wasn't meant to be, because the young woman was not mature enough to be in a relationship that would lead to forever.
Now, I am not faultless in this - but what I am at fault for is trying to be perfect, and then not seeing that this was not a relationship I should have been in. I sacrificed alot for this girl (my pride and the respect of some of those whom I care about being some of the biggest things.) I also assasinated my own character to appease this girl - and I know now that i'm worth so much more than that.
So...while I've "moved on" I now have a new problem. I'm no longer controled by an immature, selfish little girl. But that "little girl" was also the source of some of the happiest memories of my life - and those are what I'll tak away from those last 4 years. And I won't forget how bad it felt to be treated the way she treated me, that no matter how hard I try will not be forgotten.
But my new problem is the reason I was sticking with her for so long...now I'm alone. And i'm not one of those guys who has tons of girls on the horizion. Nope - i've just got endless ocean as far as the eye can see. And that scares me, because it was the companionship - the knowing that someone is there that really meant the most to me. The fact that I knew I could call, and she'd be there - that's one of the things that mattered most. Now, i've got nobody - and the future is just slightly bleak.
And while I'm no catch man wise - I can say this about myself - there is not anyone out there who is more willing to work harder at improving himself than me. And there's noone who will treat a girl better. Because while I may not be a "hunk-sicle" I am Christopher - and I want the person i'm with to be the happiest one in the world.
So, ya - I do have things to fear, and i'm scared to death i'm gunna be alone. Can you fix that? Nope! But...perhaps you could throw advise myway - you never know what might help.
See FDR - we do have things to fear!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I have very mixed feelings about the posts you've been putting up. I admire you greatly for trying to change--at least you say you will. But will you? That's my question. I pray to God that you will. But knowing you, I have no idea. That being said, I understand how you feel about ruining your reputation, and for that I would like to give you the benefit of the doubt (and because I always try to see the good in people). The best thing you can do to help with that is to LISTEN to people and take their advice.
Post a Comment