Well, here I am again - it's May 2008 - 8 days before my birthday. I'll be 21 ("wahoo.") To be honest I'm not all that excited. I mean ya, it's great - I can buy alcohol. Whoop-de-fricken-do. As you will find out, I don't drink that much (maybe it's the whole "Eagle Scout" approach to the fact that I want to be perfect, who knows.)
But as I reach this "milestone" I've been doing what I always seem to do - sum up the last 365 days. And for the most part...they've sucked royally. But there has been a few bright points. In the past year, i've been dumped (and then asked the same girl back out again - only to get dumped AGAIN! But that is a story that takes hours to tell, so i'll spare you the details.
I've officially been a nursing student for one year now - and for that I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to help people, and for once now it feels like I'll be able to - if I can just make it. I've met some of the greatest people you'd ever know in it - includeing a person who's been more than a best friend - he's been a big brother too me (you'll "meet" him later.)
While nursing was great - a downer was my new personallity. This was a change from a happy go lucky person who couldn't be down - to a depressed sarcastic jackass. You'd be supprised how many times I'm pissed at myself for acting in this new way - the worst part of which has to do with lieing.
I HATE Lieing!
I hate being lied too, I hate being lied about - but most important - I hate when I lie. And I never use to be that kind of person, but something changed - about 4 years ago - and it wasn't good. Right when I started dating my Ex...I started out good - but then I'd do little white lies about being late comeing home, stoping to see her after school etc. Well this became full blown outright disonesty in the past 6 months, because we were once again "dating" (although you couldn't even call it that anymore) and I would drive up to Winthrop University and then preseade to make up some bull shit story about where I was, and it finally came back and bit me in the butt - because I had to buy gas in Rock Hill.
Well....then the shit hit the fan, along with every bit of my dignaty, self respect, and the respect of my parents. So...now i've got to earn back 20 years of trust, that 6 f-ing months screwed over. Arn't I smart?
But along with the crappyness that was the past 6 months of my "dying relationship" I've met some really great people - people who help me stand on my own two feet, people who are there to pick me up after I was kicked to the ground by Ashley - for the 5th time. And then people who mean more to me than the rest of this world put together.
With all that being said, until very recently I still lived in a "perfect world" one that nothing I ever said could be wrong - and nothing I ever did could be bad. I was "god himself." Also - whatever I said had to be true - because if even though I lied to everybody else - I never lied to myself right?
WRONG!
I know that now. The little Fantasy world that I loved so much finally popped. I realised that all these "bad" grades I got were because I did't study even though I told myself I had. I realised that I wasn't mad at family for how crappy I felt or was treated - I was mad at myself. Everything came back to one fact....
I...JUST....SUCK!
And it's the truth. I have sucked for a long time. BUT! Now that the purple hase is gone from my eyes, I can see clearly now, so I hope you'll join me on this new chapter of my life, the one in which I leave this "fantasy" behind...
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