Broken Doors, Stuffed Bears, and a Yellow Hankie

As the days shorten, and we come closer and closer to the holidays (not just Christmas, but New Years too) I begin to think about the past (I mean WAY back!)

For a couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about what certain things mean to me – you know: like your favorite t-shirt, your first car, etc: items that you treasure but your not quite sure why.

Well I thought (at least after my last long entry) that I could use a slightly shorter, slightly lighter toned one, so since I’ve been thinking about it recently I decided to just see what everything means to me.

And as you’ll see – the three items in the title are important.

The first broken door is that that to a friends old apartment: one that was smashed by a fireman’s axe. Why? Because his apartment had caught fire suddenly in the middle of the night.

You may think that this doesn’t have a whole lot to do with me (besides the fact that I was there to help him out ) but since I’ve seen the particular door several times since the fire this spring it reminds me of something very important – everything you own and value can be GONE, in a few seconds.

Makes me think a lot about how much emphasis I put on my stuff – you know, I always [i] must [/i] have the best of everything and the fact it could all be gone, “poof” in the blink of an eye…well you just never know do you? I’m looking around my room now, and I don’t know what I’d do – it’s a little scary, check that – a lot scary.

It’s made me think if I had to go through the experience, what would I save, what would be most important to me – and I think I’d have to say my photos, I take pictures of everything, my pictures tell the story of my life, and so to me that’s the important thing – just remembering everything.

So in the future I will remember to, well remember that things have meaning not only to me, but to those around me as well. So I will try to be sensitive to that fact, but also – I will try to remember that things are just that, things – they can’t replace memories.

The next thing is my Eagle Scout Medal: This has been to date – the greatest accomplishment in my life, more so than graduating high school, getting my driver’s license, or working at the state house. It is most significant because it is something I earned, something that cannot be taken from me.

Why’s this important? Well, because it shows first that I’m not a complete and total screw up, it’s not an easy accomplishment (only 2% of boys who enter the scouts earn the award, and past presidents, CEO’s, army generals and astronauts are the company I keep.) But more importantly – it shows me, that I can do something if I put my mind to it, if I work at it, and if I put the effort forward.

At a time when few people are willing to go the extra mile, when most look for the easy way out of work or ways to make things easier for themselves – it shows me that there is value to hard work, to seeing a job through to the end. As I grow older, this will always play an important roll in reminding me (especially as a nurse) that hard work is never undervalued, and there is no greater reward than being able to say you gave something your all.

The next item – which I’m actually holding – is my Stethoscope: Now that may get some laughs from some of you, because it’s not exactly the most common instrument or even that important of one, but to me it represents my future. It represents, healing, helping and serving. It represents a calling to put the well being of others in front of my, and instead of think about my own pains – think about those around me who are suffering.

A stethoscope can tell a nurse so many things: are you breathing correctly? What about your hear? Do you have any blockages? Etc, etc. It’s value is – priceless, especially to me. While I could do my job (sort of) and function without it, with it I am able to reach new levels of care – and frankly would not be able to do “my best” without it.

But it’s representation for me is more than that. Like I said it represents my future, and could very well represent my complete future (which sometimes, is a terrifying thought.) As I’ve stated in the past: I’m going into nursing to care for people, not check books, but in doing that I am thinking of myself last, which includes a social life, “fun time” my own relaxation (and sanity sometimes) in favor of another’s.

And, as I look into my future, this is the only profession in which I think I could be ok with that aspect – be ok being just “me,” alone, forever - because I know it represents the very best that not only humanity – but I myself have to offer.

OK, now I need to bring up a “happier” item: the Yellow Hankie: which I bet has been seriously bugging some of you as to what on earth it could mean. This, well – this is the pass interference flag thrown during the 2002 National Title game between Ohio State and Miami (Fl) which prevented the end of the Buckeyes drive in overtime and ultimately resulted in them winning the National Title!

What could this possible represent for me?? Hope! One of the most powerful emotions a human being can experience. To me it shows that every “darkest hour” has a dawn and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (ok enough clichés.) And yes it sounds tacky to compare a football game to those things – but for me, it’s something that gives me hope for when I have really bad days.

I don’t think it’s a cowinsidence that the only item on my list is the one I don’t own, because by representing hope – something that comes from inside of you, and only you can make for yourself – it represents everything I must remember. Because it’s a scary new world I’m getting ready to head to – a looming depression, senseless attacks on innocents, rising crime rates and environmental catastrophes – and frankly, it scares the crap out of me!

But I take solace in that little yellow hankie, because it means (to me at least) that there is always reason to be hopeful, because you never know when something important will happen and you will be called to act – especially if it involves an obvious pass interference against the Buckeyes!

But on the serious note – my future is uncertain, but I have hope that everything will work out as it should, and maybe – just may I’m destined to be happy, and not be lonely (we’ll just have to see!)

I’m looking back and seeing that that might not have been quite as upbeat as I thought, guess that’s just how my thought work. But, onward and upward, tally-ho, and what not. After all, the list my press on, for I have promises to keep and many words to write before I sleep!

That brief paragraph actually ties into my next item my Robert Frost Book of Poems: Yes Yes I know – I’m not exactly the most “poetic” person in the world, or even the one that can appreciate “the fine complexity of poetry” – no but I do love poems that reach in and talk to my soul. But that actual has no bearing on why I value this possession.

That small book of poems actually represents the finer parts of not only literature, but life. In it, one of the greatest poets of all time discusses many things and takes joy in life, making it possible for all of us to do so as well, he brings laughter to somber subjects, wonder to the simple, and meaning to the meaningless – but I’m digressing.

To me, Frost’s work represents all that is good in humanity, and all that I should appreciate – ignoring another cliché “- stop and smell the roses,” remember to never let life get you down so much that you forget to look at the simple things, because that’s what life is – many simple things put together that may appear complex at a first glance, but apon further study – are very easy to understand.

So – as I grow, age, and move through my future, I will remember to never lose sight of the bigger picture, and more importantly to slow down and take pleasure in some of the simple things in life, because God knows, the days ahead, their going to be crazy.

Ok, time for another “fun” connection, the first Stuffed Bear: And yes, before you check my profile out, I am 21 years old, and talking about a stuffed animal. This one in fact was one I’d have since I was born, it was my version of a security blanket it was…drum roll please….a small Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed bear.

I’ll let that sink in for a couple seconds, before I go on…

Shock worn off? Good, ok now the obvious question – what possible connection can a stuffed bear from a children’s story book have anything to do with me now, and more importantly with my future???

How about to never stop being a child – not in an immature way – but in that a child is always learning, always laughing and always having fun. Society could learn a great deal from it’s children, whether it be how to solve differences (hugs are always a good solution) or how to make sure there’s enough (do we not teach our children to share what they have with everyone?)

So yes, this stuffed bear meant a lot to me, but mostly it signified that while I would have to grow up some day – I could always still be a kid at heart and in fact that there was nothing wrong with just wanting to have fun, and furthermore laughter was a great way to make others feel better.

So, as I grow – I will never forget to take a minute to giggle, snort, snicker or just plain out laugh, because to be honest, life has too many serious points in it anyway. Sometimes I just need to remember that children have the right idea, just try to have some fun!

Alright, wow…I think I figured out why I don’t write as many posts as I could…nobody would read them they are so long. Don’t worry, slowly, but surly were making it through the list (see and you though I was just making stuff up as I go – no…I have a list…somewhere, “wink”)

Next item –which actually has two meenings – is another interesting one, this one started with me in High School and through the first year I was in college. It’s my Shoulder Brace: It’s actually something that went around my mid section and strapped my arm to my chest so that I wouldn’t be moving it all over and messing up my shoulders after surgery.

What pray tell could this have to do with anything? Honestly I didn’t know at first, because it did have a significance for me, I just couldn’t think of what, but thin I thought about it: and it’s important because it show’s I’m not perfect.

You’re probably going….”HuH?” I know I know, it seems like a bit of a stretch, but in reality it’s not. You see I’ve had not one, but both shoulders replaced and the reason behind them is because my joints are very loose from a huge growth spurt I had the summer I turned 12 (actually growing 12 inches in the span of four months.) So because of these physical problems, I am reminded that I’m not perfect.

See? I’m not crazy after all. But how does the brace come in then? Well it shows that while I’m not perfect, with help (from people, things, or even situations) and can strive to become just alittle bit closer to perfect.

The other reminder it has is that I am what I am today because of what others did for me. It’s very humbling having to rely on others for basic necessities like changing, eating or showering! Especially after you’ve turned 18 and you have no ability to do half the things you want. I hate having to rely on others, but for over a year, I was at the mercy of others, so it was a great reminder to me that I have what I have because those around me made sacrifices to help me get there.

So it reminds me as I journey into my future that I am not perfect, and to never act like I am – to always remember that I am where I am today because others were there so I could stand on their shoulders, and could give me a boost when I needed it. So I will remember to thank others, be humble – and think less of myself and more of others!

Ok, were getting close to the end, I know these things have got to be seeming boring – but this next one won’t be…in fact…it might be a little shocking.

For along time I saw this particular item on a daily basis, and it was a daily reminder of what troubled me most – fear! But as you’ll see – later it became a hidden strength. The item is the second Broken Door: this one had a hole in it – from what, I will not say – but I will say it is the one time in my life I have ever truly been scared. This is truly meaningful, because few things scare me so much that I don’t know what to do.

The event that was associated with this item happened when I was younger, but not young. It wasn’t an eye opening moment, or an epiphany – it was just an event that froze me with fear, and to which I reacted the only way I knew how, trying to draw attention away from it, and on to me – why? I shall never know.

But, what does fear have to do with me? Well actually I’ll direct your attention back to an earlier post Franklin D. Roosevelt Was A Liar that will give you a list of all the things I fear, but actually is only part of the significance. The main significance is that fear can strike at any time – and in fact has only one cure, action. Because even though there’s a lot to be fearful out there, simple, and often small actions can not only vanquish fear, but instill courage.

I finally became sick of being afraid, sick of being scared, and sick of fear in general. Now this door had a new perpose, it was what began to feed my need for courage, to feed my want to become more powerful than my fear. As crazy at it sounds, seeing this reminder daily gave me a calm feeling, because it gave me pause and a chance to contemplate what I would do in a situation that caused me fear, and I began to know I would be able to handle it – and I believe to this day, that I would have the courage to stare fear – wherever it came from – in the eye, and force it to blink.

So, as I go into a future filled with not only my own personal fears, but also those of the world around me, I know that there will be a time when I need to harness my fear and take courage and do what is necessary to “fight” the cause of that. Because I believe that not once, but many times I will be confronted by things that scare me, but I believe now, that I have the courage to face them.

So what happened to that broken door you might ask? Well one day, after seeing it for what felt like the millionth time, I realized I had the power of it, I had a way of conquering that fear – so I destroyed it, and then used the pieces to make a fire on a cold winter night!

There are so many other things that have special meaning to me – but I’ve just realized that this post is longer than the last one (as you can see I failed to reach my goal), so I would like to trouble you with just one last thing that has significance to me, and I’ve saved it for last for a reason.

I debated with myself on what I was going to write about this one, the second Stuffed Bear. This bear was actually a gift to me, from someone who at one time meant the world too me, and who I would have done anything for them. So originally this bear was going to represent “love” because it was given to me as a gift of love, but in fact now that I’ve been writing this article and actually thinking about it – I don’t believe that’s what it represents – at least not anymore. The relationship around which the bear was given ended, unfortunately very badly, but in spite of that, for a while the bear still stood for “love” at least a form of love that was still there.

But now, as I grow, and mature – I realize that the bear doesn’t represent that, not because love was never there (for at least one moment it was), but instead because it represents something almost more important. It represents a connection to the first item I talked about. And that’s that the things I hold most dear may the very next day have no value to me.

That relationship was a learning experience, it had good times and bad ones – and only now 9 months later can I look back and see the fool I had been (even more so than 3 months ago,) but this bear shows me…well two things: hold on to something that means a lot to you, fight for it, make sure you give it your all – kinda like the country song that talks about loving even if your going to be hurt, because if your not willing to fight for what you believe in, well – then maybe that something wasn’t worth anything to you in the first place!

And the second is to know, when to let things go – know when you’ve grown past them, or they’ve moved on – you will be sad, yes, but it will help you reach peace faster and in actuality be happier faster.

So what can I possible take from this bear to remember as I look forward into my future? To never stop trying, never stop loving, never stop giving, never stop being me! But also, to always remember – that this life is a gift, so make sure you don’t dwell on what is sad or upsetting, or depressing – if it doesn’t work out, move one – remember the good times, and move on.

Wow…3,180 words later, I think I finished this post, you never would have thought it was going to end did you? Well, at least this one wasn’t all down and horrible. I know I’ve got a (hopefully) long future in front of me, and yes it’s going to have bright spots, and dark clouds, but I think if I remember these things, and I get reminders daily from some of them – I’ll be able to smile, grin and bear it through the dark days, and the good ones.